So I have this mate. He has gotten me kicked out of more flats than I ever could have. He’s a heavy drinker and drug user. He has a habit after battling a broken jaw that got infected and took almost a decade to come right. They admitted, as with my case, that a mistake was made. Medical Procedure Injury = Fucked Over. You can kind of cut him slack when you know that, except that he broke his jaw by continually falling down drunk on his face time after time, so…. yeah. As with also my case, it’s a little self inflicted. I mean I would doubt my kidneys would have caught cancer if I hadn’t been regularly soaking them in alcohol and other nasty substances. You know?
I caught up with him on the weekend. We are older now, there was no trouble, it was great to see him. He has grown, he makes cheese instead of running a still to make fire water and he has a license. That one gobsmacked me. We went for a ride to the store and it was so bizarre to see him behind the wheel, I had to pinch myself, heh. Hes a really smart guy, he has a masters in chemistry. I went to his grad. We had Indian food with his Mum and his Sister (who used to be his brother). Plus he and his siblings are the only fellow Anderson Clansmen and women that I have met in New Zealand, outside my Scottish family, but I haven’t seen them since i was a kid. Anderson. It was pretty funny. One of the first times I went to their family home there was Anderson Tartan everywhere. I’m like “Hey that’s MY Tartan!” and they all look at me like I’m stupid. “We thought you already figured that out!” Since then we have been family.
One of the unpleasant moments the other night was when he started telling me about my ex and her sexual partners. I had to be quite forceful in asking him to stop because he was quite enjoying himself digging the knife in and twisting it… he can be a bit of a dick sometimes, he could see it was hurting me and that was giving him a nasty little thrill. Anyway so now I have been chewing that over for a while. It’s none of my business what she does. As soon as my son turns 16 I can have a relationship with him again I hope but until then I just have to wait. I don’t care about what she does and I don’t want to be told. It hurts so much being apart from my baby boy, it’s a jagged gaping sore. I have photos of all the kids all over my room, not an hour goes by that I don’t see them. Sigh. Man I have really fucked up, gentle reader, really. But other than that I don’t give a shit. It is kind of funny that she still hasn’t learned that two crazy people is a bad idea. I used to like thinking about her in a new relationship when I was in Prison. Particularly that moment, the first time she switches from a lovely soft adorable woman to a screaming unreasonable violent hurricane. It’s quite the phenomenon. A real force of nature. Fucking hilarious, she’s be great on Tik Tok. I guess some dudes like that sort of thing, not me.
So that’s where my head is. As I expected she cropped up in my dreams last night. There was a roller coaster, other than that I can’t recall much. I am finding it hard to snap out of the funk I got into during the lockdown. The people that live around me are just terrible people. I am an island of semi-functionality in a sea of fucking institutionalized fuckwits that just hussle all the time. Its yucky and its Monday so tonight all the crack dealers will start turning up. Performance vehicles with big, loud gangsters. They don’t stay long but they sure do make an entrance. After that its chaos until Wednesday morning. Then they go quiet. They don’t party on the weekend because they are broke by Wednesday and they’re coming down from a crack high. They fight often and they stand around outside my room talking loud as fuck, telling each other elaborate lies. The latest one is this guy who talks like he might have a brain injury or something. I don’t know what he looks like, I only ever hear him. He has been telling them all about this house he owns in Whangarei. The tenants took him to court or something and now they don’t have to pay rent and that’s why hes so poor. It makes him mad because they should get out, then he’d have his house back. It was way more detailed than that, this is just a sketch. They are out there now, as I type. This goes on at all hours and it has contributed to me just barricading myself in and listening to or making bass heavy grooves. I have big speakers I can block them out, I watch movies and slowly work my way through my housework. The hardest part is coming and going, it’s stressful. The guys in the house in front have no dramas, you never even see them, same with my house mostly, its the third and final house in the driveway, they are the fucking rotten little core in our wonderful clean modern barrel of apples. But I have told you this all before huh?
I guess I’ll get back to my day. I might get to play drums tomorrow night. I feel ok, I am stressed a lot but physically I am comfortable. This time of day, mid-late morning are the best, all the painkillers are working and I can move around better. I try to get as much done as I can because once it gets to 1 or 2pm it starts hurting again but they won’t give me enough for the whole day. I have to plan around the medication, If I double up and have a whole day where I can be a little more comfortable and capable then I have to go without another day. Which day do I choose? You se? It’s pretty feral but on the days when I double up I can play music standing up, go for a short walk, cook a meal, stuff like that.
Hey I am in contact with these two guys, I am trying to get them to come down here after covid settles down, they are really cool. I like their “I’m Native, Whats Your Super Power?” T-shirts too.
Its hard to tell how I am doing. I have a medical review this week with the psychiatrist and my new GP just approached me and wants to meet. She was away when I signed up and I saw a temp. He was a fuckwit, both times I ended up in tears, shaking and panicking. His bedside manner sucked. It was funny because when we met I said that I’d always wanted a Māori Doctor. But it went south, real quick and I am pretty hopeful that she will be kind and compassionate because I need some help, this can’t be forever, there must be something they can try. I’ve said all along that I only need for one of them to really see and hear me, a champion, it would only take one dr stepping up. Sigh. I lied, I am not that hopeful. I’ve lost my optimism.
I hope you are safe wherever you are. I encourage you to get a vaccine but I also encourage you to follow your heart. Not everyone needs to be vaccinated for it to work. We need to stop bullying people who are skeptical. Lets just be cool about it and hopefully they will see that no-one is dying in great numbers, no-ones balls are swelling up or being tracked by the government, lets just give them the time to see these things and maybe they will change their minds. Please wear a mask and sanitize surfaces and hands. Stay home if you can. Watch Reservation Dogs if you can. Be safe and give a shit about each other. Hey I remember someone explaining this little loophole in sharia that allows a good Muslim to tell a lie if the lie is being told to the infidel. When I see the Taliban on TV telling everyone how much they have changed and all the human rights they claim not to be trampling on… I just don’t buy any of it. Afghanistan is nowhere near being out of the woods just yet. They’ve just announced they will resume beheading and amputations for crimes against both common and sharia law. I ache for those people trapped there. I know there are problems all over the world but the ones caused by religion seem to me to be the most pointless and therefore the most viscous by default. I’ll go, thanks kind reader for your companionship.
ps – I bet I’d still let her in if she tapped on my window… I know. I know.