Hola Mes Amies….

Yesterday sure did feel like summer. Its the balmy end of spring here in the antipodes and the birds and the bees are all doing their naughty business. It sort of makes me think of a pretty lady all suntanned and happy there on some far away Australian beach and I pine, like a poofter…. “Poofter”, of course, being a not very P.C word and therefore one I revel in using.

I am fresh out of ideas now, dearest reader. My “Antics” now sorely reduced to putting coins on train tracks to make a superior mandolin plectrum and pondering the possibility of killing, cleaning and cooking one particular little red hen who looks more delicious every time I see her. Its a sad state of affairs when those are the most outrageous things I can think of to amuse myself. Please don’t fear for the chicken, it’s merely a pleasant notion that tickles my sense of humour… I’d never do it. I’d probably be more likely to go get a bunch of ducks from the river or something… The nice big fat, bread fed buggers down under the fairfield bridge for instance…. I have the use of a laptop for an hour or so and I am listening back to some of the music I have made over the last year or so. Sometimes this last collection (Denouement and Denouement-er) were intended as an aural suicide note but I kinda… Well, I didn’t change my mind but the extreme lengths I went to, and failed at, prompted me to give up on the whole fucken idea entirely. You see why getting cancer at this point has come with a nice sense of paradox and irony. Imagine fighting for my very life after spending 8 months trying to end it? Anyway, all that is behind us now.

I have been keeping my head down and staying out of strife. I have now missed ALL the birthdays this year, I do not feel like much of a dad. My own dad is, as we speak, at the “Grandparents Day” of my Grand Daughters school. It hurts that he gets to be the Grandparent whilst I am the reprobate, drunken uncle type character. She loves me, I love her, I guess thats all that matters aye? He is so good with her, she’s a lucky girl. I loved my Grandpa and I am happy that she gets to experience that kind of relationship as well. Theres a sadness there that I can’t really claim as it’s entirely of my own doing.

Gossamer Dub is my favourite track of this record, its some of my better guitar work, the synths on it are curated towards a retro kind of feel and the arpeggios are just the way I like them. They mimic the sounds of the early synths I heard on records but didn’t really know what it was I was hearing. The filters are set to oscillate very slow and wide and I use a really long tremolo to bring things in and out instead of using automation or heavy editing. Fuck I miss being able to just wake up and create. I know that its a kind of waste of time. Martin and I have been discussing this at length lately, the way we have both lived lives dedicated to our art form and have really ended up at the end of life without really being recognised or rewarded beyond the respect of our peers. Its not a bad thing, I wouldn’t change it, it just is. It’s certainly not uncommon…

You really find out who your friends are when a year like this comes along. I wouldn’t say I am ostracised, more that I have withdrawn. Its a bitter pill but one I have to swallow. I believe I still have much to offer but I really just need to finish whats in front of me before I can really start any new projects. I am learning to play the Ukulele and it is coming along ok, there are things about it which, as a guitarist, come quite naturally but there are also stumbling blocks that I find baffling. Its cool though, it is like when I started to get better on guitar and as I progressed pennies would begin to drop and knowledge and growth began to increase exponentially. I dunno if thats the right way to use “Exponentially” but I really like the way they use it in the Terminator movie and wanted to use it myself. Probably just shitty writing but, fuck man, no-one is forcing you to read this drivel… Dearest, kindest Reader. Oh great and powerful reader of trash 😛

Anyway, I am outa here. Its a muggy again today but not as sunny and I think I will go and sit in town and drink coffee and read a book for a couple of hours. You are all welcome to join me.

I love you guys, you know that. Please go and listen to my music, I worked really hard on it.

xxxm

Balrog flavoured chips….

Hey. Sorry, I’ve been neglecting this journal lately. I’ve been trying to draw. Crazy, complex, colorful creations rendered in ink on heavy gauge paper. I have maybe 15 of them ready and intend to go out into the city next week and paste them to walls where, hopefully, they’ll be seen and maybe remain for a while. Even as I type this there is, not 100m down the road, a similar type of piece that I did over a decade ago now, the color hasn’t even really faded much in all that time. I still find little bits of graffiti that I’ve forgotten I’d done quite regularly. I found one the other day, a large stencil of David Bowie that is up on a bridge. I’d sprayed it pearlescent white against a cream background so you can only really see it at certain angles, in certain light… Too fucken clever for my own good, that’s me! I have been reading a lot. I’ve started the “game of thrones” books but am currently side tracked and mesmerized by the Beats… Ginsberg, Kerouac, Burroughs et al. I find somewhere inconspicuous and park up for hours on end just reading. I’m couch surfing and its only a small house so I try to not be there during the day. I’ve been lucky enough to have friends nearby but I am painfully mindful of wearing out my welcome and so I just sit in my car, utilising my paperback escape hatch and smoking cigarettes.

My stomach hurts. Some days are better than others but its consistently getting worse. Its like a toothache in that its something inside me that I can do nothing about. If it was muscular or in my joints and bones I could use yoga or massage but its not and I find myself restless and scared, unable to find a posture or activity that alleviates the pain. I am afraid that its worse than they have told me. I am afraid they will not get to it in time. But… You know? Fuck it, right? Hehe they will not give me narcotics for pain relief until after the surgery.

This has been the worst year of my life, I spend a lot of time thinking about some of the really bad things I have done, about the close calls and the psychotic episodes of inexplicable madness. I think a lot about lost opportunity and regrets. I would love to have no regrets but, in truth, I have many. Too many to list.

I have been trying to be a good friend to people. I’ve lost my generosity and spirit of giving. I see opportunities to make a difference to someone else, to encourage or assist and, these days, I let those opportunities pass by. Not all the time but enough for me to feel bad about it. I used to love that part of me but as this year has ground me down in the palm of its hand like a viscious street thug with a cigar I have stopped looking for ways to help others. I have shut myself down emotionally as I bend to the wheel of simply surviving from day to day. Not a happy man. I have no thoughts of romance or love, its all I can do to just hope that there’s a place for me in her heart down the road but it might be a long, long road and she’s a beautiful woman so… You know? Its pointless to think about it too much, suffice to say I am no good to anyone right now but I can hope for that to change.

Im getting better at ukulele and I played a pretty passable mandola the other day. I think the band have finally given up on me, its been hard on them. People are always asking when we are going to play again, Allah knows we sound fucking great by now, but the answer is “we don’t know” and that wears thin after 8 months.

Anyway, that’s all, I guess. I’ll try attach some more of my scribbles later on. I hope you are OK, Gentle reader of mine. I love you, thanks. Xxxm