Yeah, as the song says “a day of tiny triumphs”. I have never been afraid to be alone. I have felt the sting of loss and longing but thats not the same as needing someone else, it just hurts when they leave is all. Those feelings don’t last. Well, they don’t stay urgent and aching, they dissipate. Some folks stomp on those feelings with a new relationship but I’ve never been like that. I’ve made mistakes and hurt people but I’ve never felt that I needed to not be alone. Love strikes when you least expect it, forcing it means you’ll miss out on the real thing when it comes along. It seems like settling to me. I know folks who just cant be alone, that just can’t be whole and complete without a partner. It’s so wonderful to be in love but it must happen of it’s own accord or else it’s just filling a gap.
Hey, new Billie Eilish video today. There have been some really good releases this week. Most notably the star studded Snoop vs DMX track that brings 90s gangster rap into the 2020s in sleek, low rider style. I was koha’d some really neat studio gear yesterday by a man that I have respected as a Musician and a Music Archivist for decades. I feel stoked that the studio is slowly coming into shape. It is hard being patient. The equipment I slagged myself into debt for is coming from the USA and it takes time. I have all these ideas and am busy assembling them into shape to record. I also found a broken toaster that is perfect for frozen Hash Browns and an old school Sony RM300 video editing suite. One mans trash is another mans leather.
I was thinking this morning, as I was driving into town, that I have everything I need. I am struggling financially but I have a home, I have food and theres gss in my car. What more do I really need? I was naughty and bought a tub of Duck Island Salt Caramel and cacao crumbs (Whatever those delicious little bastards are). I also bought a big size box of Cadbury Favorites and made a little card for the people at the Chemist. Just to say thanks for putting themselves in harms way during the Covid19 shut down. It was scary. There are some really hostile folks up there and I decided if I was faced with one of them I’d have to wait and give it on another day. One of them continues to insist on asking my name. I have been a customer there, 4 times a week since what? February? January? I did end up being served by one of the meanies. I had the chocolates in a gold gift bag with a little card taped to it and she was eyeing it suspiciously. I reckon if I’d given it to her she would have found a way to reject me. “I’m sorry we’re not allowed to accept gifts” or something like that. So I just did my usual skulking and waited ’til one of the kind people came out from the back. They were chuffed and I felt really good. I am not very good at going in there, I find it terribly stressful and I kind of have to take a deep breath and dive in. I usually just make myself known and then go find a spot to sit. I am often forgotten and have to remind them I am there, thats usually when one of the haters has served me. I think it’s my hair, my belly, my tattoos, my beard and my habit… otherwise they think I am great. Hah.
Gallows Humour huh? Fuckem.
I often have ideas for doing nice stuff for people like this but I hardly ever get the courage up to do it. Or, I guess, the funds. I reckon I’d make a great billionaire, I’d be broke within a year but many many people would be rich. Having said that, it doesn’t have to cost money to brighten someone elses day. When I was working through the “The Artists Way” book, one of my exercises was to do one thing a day for someone else without them finding out. Then I had to do one thing a day for a stranger without them finding out. That one was harder than you might think. It felt great though. One of the things I found out about years later when the person who I’d chosen as recipient told me the story of when somebody blah blah blah…. it was pretty cool. Theres a massive feel good in being kind. It is not a one way transaction… you get what you give. As the man said.
I have been studying John Robert Lewis, who passed away last week. I dunno if you are familiar with the story but he led the march from Selma to Montgomery during the American Civil rights struggle. A struggle that seems no closer to fruition today. What a guy. He literally put his body on the line in an age when bodies like his were being stacked high. I don’t pay much attention to New Zealand Politics. We have an election this year too, I think, and we are voting on Cannabis reform. Other than that I don’t have a clue whats happening in Wellington. Don’t take my disinterest for ignorance. I know New Zealand Political History, only too well, I just don’t have any faith or belief in the current political system to effect real, palpable change for people like me. I’m sure they all mean well. Ok ok, I’m sure a handful of them mean well.
I guess I will go start my day. Put some pants on etc. I’ve had some strange interactions with people this week and it has prompted me to retreat a little into myself. I think thats ok. As i said before, i don’t have a problem being alone. I know that A: Love happens in its own time. and B: I’m pretty good company most of the time. I mean, thats what Loop pedals are for huh? It’s so hard though to resist the call of Baklava from the fridge. It is way too good.
chur, peace, Love and friendly front of house staff.
Evictions are beginning in North America, the emergency unemployment subsidies have run out and there continues to be an army of Homeland Security creeps running around without identification, insignia or rank in unmarked vans attacking and kidnapping so called “Terrorists” (Read: Protesters). Did you know that my country is 2.2 times the size of New York City? With a population of 5 million, compared to NYCs 8.7 million, we are kinda, roughly about the same. One North American city is only half the size of our whole country! Mind Blowing. I watched a doco about the New York Crime Families the other day. Then I watched Gotti, John Travoltas 2018 film about John Gotti, the king of New York, The Teflon Don. I have been watching quite a bit of Travolta lately, he has aged really well as an actor, must be all those illuminati longevity drugs coupled with scientology space alien nanotech. Anyway, I am still fascinated with all that stuff. The Gambino Family, Big Pauly, Sammy The Rat etc. All the stuff Al Pacino, Deniro, Scorcese and Francis Ford Coppola have been creaming for years now. Goodfellas is a great gangster film and, of course, Scarface takes the prize for best gangster film of all time. I love Italian Mob names, Mickey the Knife, Pauly Two Toes, Moe the butcher, Big Sal, shit like that. What would mine be? Fatty the Limp. There you go, perfect.
We made Baklava today, it is cooling and setting and should be ready to eat in a few hours. I learned the recipe from some turkish guy whos family have been making it for 4 generations. Once it is finished baking you pour the honey syrup into the dish and it sizzles and pops as the syrup fills all the gaps with pure sugary yum-ness. There’s a trick to really good baklava and it is cheap mixed natural nuts. They are about $2 per 100gm. What you do is go to a shop that has bins and bags, where you fill your own, you know? You half fill a bag of the cheapest mixed nuts. Then you top it up with Pine Nuts, which are $20 per 100grams, as much as you can fit. Shake the bag so the nuts are all mixed up. That way you can cram about 50 bucks worth of pine nuts into a $7.50 sack of crappy ones. Also works for Pistachios but they are harder to camouflage. There you go, Baklava 101.
I feel ok. I have been making myself do stuff, even when it hurts. I am not really doing anything Aerobic but I am keeping active and thats good enough for today. I’ve been sleeping late but thats because I don’t really have much to be up for and I stay up all night making music. It feels good to wake up naturally, no alarms or surprises.
I was given an Intro-To-Tik-Tok today. The Indian Joker clips are so funny and creepy. I had no idea it was so huge, there’s some really funny stuff on there. I have been oblivious to the whole thing and now it’s being banned. I watched an american news clip on Youtube about how dangerous Tik Tok is… “If you want the Chinese Communist Party having access to your personal information then use Tik Tok” Alarmist bullshit but ironic in that Youtube probably does the same fucking thing for The American Intelligence Community… Privacy is an illusion, it has been for decades now. If you use the internet, someone is gathering your data, whether you like it or not.
I guess thats all I have today. I haven’t heard from Matt for a few days. I worry. He has been having seizures. I made a video for our new music last night and I have made progress re-learning how to use 10 year old software. My long term memory has it all stored away, it’s just a matter of doing.
I hope you are well, safe, loved and content.
Wash your hands, wear a mask in public, stay home, stay alive.
Hi. I’m listening to the new The Streets album. That first Streets record was so refreshing and gritty, a muddy reflection of what I might’ve been had I been English. My Mate Matt reminds me of Mike Skinner. Heaps. I am also half way through watching the new Disney version of Hamilton. It’s good but its hard work keeping up, they fit a lot of dialog and history in there. Hip Hop is already wordy, Historic Hip Hop…. sheesh. It’s good though, I am enjoying it. I’ve had a good day. I have plans for tomorrow and I have things to do tonight. I feel like the rabbit at a grey hound track, just trying to stay ahead of the pain, the depression and the sadness. Do you know what I am talking about? At Grey Hound tracks they have this mechanical Rabbit. Sometimes its just a furry ball of fur but sometimes they tie an actual dead rabbit to it, it fucking whips around the inner track on its own rail. It really goes for it. When they open the gates the dogs all chase this mechanical rabbit. I guess the winner gets to eat the dead rabbit? I dunno. Anyway, thats how I feel.
I have made some decisions in the last few days. Friday night really threw me. Those fucking people can keep their intrigue, their back stabbing and their prejudice. I am not going to live in the past, I have changed my ways, I am a better person today and I do not give one single shit about what they think. If others are carrying shit around then they can go for it, I’ll be quite happy over here far away from you. Life is hard enough already without that. I am an overweight methadone drinking ex convict mental health survivor that makes music and art. If that is all I ever am then thats ok with me. I can work with that. I miss my Boys. I dunno quite how to fix that yet. I need some help but I must not pressure people, it just has to happen in its time.
I keep having these moments where I think “This pain thing is all in your head”. I keep thinking that maybe I’m just faking it, you know? Just doing it for sympathy or something? Then I start doing something and, sure enough, five minutes later I’m gasping and groaning like a fucking champ. It feels like I am wearing a belt made of fire, or high grade construction Iron heated up to a white hot heat, like I’m going to tear apart, like my insides are being ripped apart, Have you ever had a “Chinese Burn” or an “Indian Burn”, racist as all fuck but I think you know what I mean… it feels like Godzilla is giving me a whole body Japanese Burn. Thats how it feels. If I keep still I can be pain free for a while but it never lasts. I have frequent infections. I don’t bother going to the hospital anymore, I just let it run its course, keep a puke bucket and disinfectant handy. I am waiting for packages. I have used up all my resources to buy this laptop and a handful of bits to make my stuff work properly. The Drum Kit needed some bits and all my Keyboards are dead so I needed a new one. I lost a lot of stuff while i was away, people just went through my shit and took what they wanted. Most of it I just let go, fair cop, you know? But stuff like my big screen tv or my Mini Mac… to hear that they were just stashed in someones shed and not even used kinda fucks me off. Someone pinched my Grandpas Razor too. That sucks. I have much of my treasures though…. all those bits of beach glass that we picked up in Coromandel that day, my grandmas porcelain Alsatian, My Star Wars and Adventure Time Figurines and my Buddhas, Microphones and Guitars. So I am wealthy, I have all I need to be fulfilled and useful.
I harvested the Tobacco today, speaking of thieving asshats…. The large leaves on the plant, that I was saving to pick last, were ganked in the night. Someone must know what it is. So I ripped all the rest out and have it hanging to dry. I have rushed through 100gm or so just to get my eye in, its almost ready to share and I’ve got 4 people that I think will appreciate 500gm or so of tobacco in the mail. Luckily it is still legal. Isn’t it funny that our country is drawing nearer to both decriminalising Cannabis and criminalising Tobacco? As I may have mentioned, I have just finished watching ROOTS, the 1977 one and the 2016 one. One of the other things I noticed was that some of the main things that slavery produced… Sugar, Rum, Tobacco have ended up being terribly harmful. So not only did slavery create misery while it was flourishing, it reached out to cause misery hundreds of years after the fact. Sigh.
I have decided to spend less time in Hamilton. I had a conversation with someone I make music with and I said “hey why don’t you come out to make music with me, for a change, I have a studio set up etc.??”. Nah, it was flatly refused and I realised that if I didn’t bother to go to town, no-one would really miss me and I wouldn’t have to worry that I was bumming anyone else out by simply being. It’s funny, I’m not really good for much more than sitting quietly in the corner, even that seems to be too much for some folks. Also I am really struggling, I got into debt and its kinda fucked me. I can’t afford to drive to hams, even if I wanted to. Winter, its a good time to hibernate anyway.
Man the world is so crazy. Take care out there Gentle Reader, particularly if you live somewhere still grappling with covid_19. I understand that the government protection for American property tenants under Covid runs out today and they expect massive numbers of evictions, folks unable to work are unable to pay rent… and guess what demographic is expected to dominate these numbers? African American Single Mothers. Fuck man, the system is broken, the emperor has no pants on and the cities are burning! Viva la Revolution!
Hi Friend. I have had a pretty good week. the pain has been pretty steady but I’ve been making music and getting some really good results. I went into town yesterday to help someone who needed a vehicle to do some missions and I ended up sitting with a group of friends around a brazier. We made some music for a while too. It was nice but at one point some people showed up and things changed. One person in particular, it turned out, despises me. I was oblivious to it when it was happening but I did notice some whispering and secret squirrel type shit going on. I didn’t recognise this person, they certainly don’t know me, I was a bit shocked later on when it was all made clear to me after they left. I just know that they would have been straight on an instant message or a text to you, kind readers, and there would have been all sorts of things said about me as a result. It takes the tiny little puff of wind I’ve generated out of my sails and today I just feel defeated again. It’s so fucking hard. My Probation Officer says that I need to just accept things but it still gets through my defences some times. Maybe I will just never be happy again, would that please you, gentle reader?
I just try my hardest to not harm anyone and to not be a bother or even a presence where I am not wanted or needed. I figure that’s the best thing I can do. I kinda hope, in some ways, that the chest pains I have been having simply put an end to this miserable life. But. Sigh. There are still people I have yet to reunite with, there are still songs I want to finish and things I want to read. I have just inherited a part of someones library. They are particularly well read and they are a writer that I admire greatly, the only true Poet that I know. I had to weed out all the rubbish, he’s a fan of detective fiction, but once I’d got rid of the sleuthing and some of the academic texts there were some real gems in there. He wanted space on his walls to display his new paintings (his new paintings…) and so he just removed an entire book shelf, stuffed all the books into boxes and asked me to drop them off with his paper and cardboard recycling. I opened the first box up and theres an antique copy of The Prince by Machiavelli and a Bukowski sitting right on top! Who the hell throws shit like that away? To be recycled? I was mortified.
Hey I tried Uber yesterday. I still haven’t had a go on the scooters yet but thats on my list too. I’m sorry I haven’t been writing much lately, things are a bit flat. I am struggling with pain and I am really not very focused on anything else. I am sure it will pass. I just wanted to let you know that I know that you know that I know. It’s ok, I don’t expect anything less.
Good Morning Kind Reader, It’s a fine sunny South Waikato day, the fog has lifted and it feels like it might be one of the last really nice days before Winter really gets stuck in. I am watching “Roots” the 1997 miniseries based on the book by Alex Haley. It tells the story of Kunta Kinte, a Mandingo Warrior from Juffure in The Gambia, West Africa. He is stolen into slavery and winds up in North America. Haley later confessed that whilst he did extensive research on his Ancestor, much of the plot was fictionalised as he tied the story together and filled in the blanks. Still, it is as bracing and attention grabbing now as it was when it was first broadcast on TV. Despite the controversy around authenticity it has served as a kind of benchmark for telling the story of how millions of Africans wound up in slavery all over the world. It is as brutal as it is heart breaking and it has never been more important than right now. To see the white slavers shackling the Black Men and Women into the cargo holds of ships is simply to see the mass incarceration of African America and peoples of colour. To see the violence, trauma and death visited upon runaway slaves by the Slave Catchers, the “PatterRollers” and the “Overseers” is to see the shootings, strangulations and brutality of Black Men and Women by Police.
Not only is it still relevant, it was remade in 2016. By all accounts the new version pulls even less punches and I have it lined up next. It is hard hard stuff to watch, there are frequently tears and frothing rabid anger, furious and righteous. How could they do those things? Fucking Animals. To think that those Men and Women who profited from slavery thought that Negros were sub human, basically beasts of burdens… They were the animals, they were the beasts.
Here are a few observations I have made so far.
During the passage from Africa to the Americas it portrays the slaves being brought up on deck in order to sluice them down and to swamp out the cargo hold, flushing away the urine, faeces, blood, puss and dead. After they are washed they are forced to dance, exercising creatures that had been manacled and chained in place like sacks of wheat, keeping them just healthy enough to survive the trip. It struck me that this is where we first start to see African Americans as the smiling, dancing and singing caricatures that culminated in Jim Crow Cartoons, Advertising and Minstrel Shows. Childish Gambino addresses this phenomenon in the video for his track “This is America”.
There were Africans and other Peoples of Colour working for the slavers. I know that during the times of slavery there were Māori Mariners, certainly by the early 18th century. Some of my Tupuna may have easily worked on the slave ships. I don’t feel any sort of way about this, mostly because we have ended up suffering under the yoke of over policing and mass incarceration anyway. Just because our police don’t shoot us as often, doesn’t mean we aren’t victims of the systemic racism inherent in the western law enforcement model. They simply grind us down with poverty and prisons, drugs and crime. They don’t need to shoot us, we are already dead.
I saw President Trumps Oval Office Patio interview/Train Wreck the other day. One of the less scandalous things he says is that people who want to wave the confederate flag are not racist, they just love the south… I bet he would watch this movie and say that there were “Fine People on both sides.”. If he could concentrate for that long. I doubt he has read the book. Incidentally, I had a teacher at school called Mr Gallagher, he encouraged me to do art and music. He was the first Pakeha man I knew who loved old timey Blues and I was surprised to find that he liked the same music as I did at 12, Sonny Terry and Brownie, Son House and Robert Johnson. He also gave me a copy of “Roots” to read. He was a kind man and I kept in touch with him into my Adulthood. When Peter Tosh Died he came to school wearing a black armband and he brought a spare along for me to wear. He was really cool. An old Irish grey haired school teacher from Invercargill! If that doesn’t give you hope, nothing will.
So thats where my head is today. I cooked last night, Bangers and mash. I was glad that there weren’t any people around while I was working because it was very hard and I don’t like looking feeble in front of people. I have to sit down periodically and loose my strength quickly. I got there though, I am doing stuff every day that hurts, but pushing through it is the only way forward. Anyway, the meal was a smash and I think that if I can just keep doing things, even at a snails pace, I will be ok. They will not medicate the pain. I fall into a too hard basket. I don’t feel like fighting. I want to do Aqua Aerobics but it has turned into a huge deal and now I kind of give up. I’ve got enough stuff to keep me busy.
What do you think about Black Lives Matters, gentle reader? Is this stuff that you think about? I love African America. They gave me Jazz, Blues, Rock n Roll, Hip Hop, Funk, Motown and Spike Lee! I hate how America has treated them, I hate how zoning and habitation laws have forced them into Projects and ghettos. I hate how policing and healthcare seem to only serve one kind of American and I hate that that the Hamburglar in Chief still refuses to even acknowledge that there is a racial problem in America. They only want to Matter, equally. He wont even give them that.
I know that my own country is far from perfect but still I feel very very fortunate.
ps – we called them “Kupapa”, those Māori that served the coloniser, the slaver and the crown. It is not a nice word. “Snitch” is a pretty good translation.
People who shout at other people, especially when other people are within earshot, are straight up batty-creases. Conflict that can’t be resolved without shouting and name calling is, in my experience, best slept on. Shouting leads to conflict, conflict leads to war, war leads to Death.
The Grownups that I admire do not resolve their quarrels with public displays of anger, they rarely quarrel at all.
Tumeric is a spice. It stains everything a muddy yellow colour and it tastes exactly like socks. Not nice clean socks either…. All day sweaty feet socks, fresh from the hoof… Thats Tumeric. Used correctly it’s a facet of divine Indian and south East Asian cuisine.
Hello Kind reader. I’ve had a challenging week, loneliness, sadness and physical pain combine to make marky a surly and perforkulating bandisnap. Today feels better but still it hurts so much. I know that I bleat on about it. So I’ll stop. Just for today.
Kanye seems to be seriously thinking he is running for President. It’s not that I think he would be any worse for the world that old Mr Tumeric face himself, it’s more that he will split the Anti Trump vote and harm Bidens chances. Is Joe Biden going to be any better than any other President or is he simply NOT Donald Trump? Anyway, it’s making for some pretty hilarious youtubery. Kanyes first “Political Rally” is straight up comic gold all the way through and if you have time for anything today, make Kanye your first choice.
I deleted a post I put up a couple of days ago. It dealt with Suicidality and how I’ve lived with it for ever, since I was very small. However I got to thinking that what I’d posted could easily be misunderstood and I’d just hate for anyone to ever act on something I may have planted in their head. So I gave it the chop. If you read it then I hope you know what I mean. Not that I think we should silence any discourse on the subject, we should not, ever, but we shouldn’t discuss methodology and planning. I don’t think that sharing techniques is a very clever way to start anyones day. So thats why I did that. I’m sure that you, gentle reader, will understand.
I’ve spent a lot of money I don’t have this week. I feel panic rising immediately, just thinking of it. I pride myself on not having debt, I do not like this feeling. Imagine having a mortgage? It would drive me batshit knowing I owed that kind of money. It was stuff I needed to make music. Hey we signed to a UK label yesterday. They are releasing our newest track. Thats all I know at this point but even just one track is still pretty cool. As I may have said the other day, I didn’t get all the new stuff mixed before I had to give the laptop back. I thought I could just do it on the new computer but I am afraid the new computer is so old that it cant open the projects and I’m kinda bummed. I can make new music, no problem, but I can’t finish the music i had in production. Once I clear some of this debt I am going to book studio time in Hamilton and finish them off because they are really great tracks. I got so wound up about living without a means to create that I kinda did my own head in.
I find out later on today if I can do AquaAerobics. I have an appt with a Physiotherapist who does something called Radio Shockwave Therapy. I dunno what that means but it doesn’t sound pleasant, does it kind Reader? No it do not! I’ll give anything a go at this point though. I have an advocate who is hassling my GP and things are moving slowly. Slowly works for me. Everything happens in slow motion anyway.
I’ve harvested half of the Tobacco. There are still 3 or 4 plants that are doing ok so I’m letting them ripen. It is the end of July! They should not be thriving! Heres my recipe…
Hang the leaves somewhere dark, dry and drafty. Once the leaves are dry, take all the stems and stalks out and simmer them in a pot with water, cinnamon, a teaspoon of sugar and a teaspoon of coffee leaves. Then soak the leaves in the liquid and add a 1/4 cup of red wine. Soak that for a few days in an airtight container and then take the lid off and leave it somewhere warm, like a hot water cupboard, until it is dry enough to smoke. At this point you can redo the whole process, this time using stalks and branches from the plant itself (Assuming you have harvested all the leaves you can from it). This will give a stronger, smoother smoke but you can just do it once and its passable. The real smoothness comes with age in a barrel. Most commercial Tobacco has spent at least 3 years maturing like this. The trick is to keep it from getting mould, mould can ruin an entire crop if you aren’t careful. Also, try to keep the larger leaves as much in tact as possible, only removing the big stem in the middle. What you get is a leaf shaped a bit like a fillet of fish that has had the row of bones cut out, a V shape, yeah? The smaller leaves are easier to do this with, you just have to gauge how much of that stem to take. The reason for this is that you want as much broad leaf as possible to make cigars. You use the big leaves for the outer wrapper and the smaller leaves as filler, utilising the different parts of the plant accordingly. If you have no desire to make cigars then you can be a bit less discerning, the less stems and stalks the better. Also, if you are only going for rolling tobacco then its best to wait until all of the plant is harvested so as to get a homogenous blend. Different parts of the plant have different levels of Nicotine and so you want all of it mixed up so as to get consistency. I find all this fascinating. Such a simple hardy crop, I don’t understand how it got to be so expensive because its so easy to grow and cure. I guess this could be said of lots of things.
I’ve just finished Binge-Watching the first 3 seasons of the FARGO TV show. It’s a really good watch, especially if you are a Coen Brothers fan. The 3 seasons are based in 3 separate time periods and are loosely connected and heavily influenced by the Fargo movie and the other Coen Brothers films. I can spot most of the The Big Lebowski references because that is a film I am fond of but I am sure there are heaps of other easter eggs and bits that I missed that refer to other films. Pretty much all of their films are classics, in my humple opinion. If you like that sort of black comedy, murder ballad type thing then this is for you.
So now I am back in that No Mans Land of having watched everything on Netflix that interests me. Something else will occur to me and I’ll be off again but until then I can get some other stuff done, like play my guitar or go for a walk. I caught a look at my naked torso in a mirror the other day, fucking sloppy fat fat bastard! I hate this, I have never been this big, I do not care for it, not one bit.
Thats all for today. I hope you are doing ok if you live overseas, keep safe, wash your hands, wear a mask, dont gather in big groups.
xxxxm
ps – I miss being in Love, I miss having someone to pine for, someone to make smile, someone to cook for, someone to fuck and someone to make love to… life is lack-lustre and beige being alone. I’m no “Incel”, just a romantic without a mate, a songwriter without a muse, a fat Man without a pie….
A Two Cup of Coffee day I think. I am motivated by the disappearance of my laptop to get the new Screw Jack records mixed and mastered before Friday. The videos are easy, they dont need to be fancy. Youtube clips can be much louder if the images aren’t very sophisticated and mine are the least sophisticated of all. It’s all in the algorithm. I am going to clean this bomb site up and get busy. I have a replacement laptop on trademe, the page is literally just waiting for me to click “Buy Now” but, of course there’s the small matter of coin… Urgh. It’s a pity I’m not good at stuff that makes money, I’m only good at stuff that makes no money. Like this….
(No Arses were harmed in the making of this pie)
Anyways, I’m going to get tidied up here and then do some music making in the afternoon. I’m excited by it, having a deadline has made me pull finger. I have spent the last two nights sporadically weeding out the bullshit and making notes and now I am ready to finish of about 8 tracks that I think have potential. Also, I mentioned the other day that this laptop was bought for a specific project… well I have been in contact with the other guy and he needs the laptop for some preproduction stuff and so the thing is still going ahead, just not as I imagined. I think I got a bit depressed that things had stalled. They haven’t. Now I need a computer of my own, then we can get stuck in.
I find it hard to make art or music with others these days. I used to love it but I also used to drive a lot of it. Nowadays I notice that if I dont drive ideas then nobody does and it has made me reconsider how much effort I want to put in… If everyone else is just coasting and I’m the only one prepared to organize people, places and things then it’s not really collaborating is it? I guess I also had better self esteem back then and I wasn’t afraid to go outside. Those things can make or break any creative endeavor. Man, my spelling is still as atrocious as it was when I was in High School. Spell Check is an amazing thing! I have a gigantic dictionary but it is more of a prop than a book these days, good for holding mic stands steady and balancing dinner plates. I mentioned the other day that I am struggling with social situations and this is kinda like that, I feel some kinda way about collaborating and Ive been avoiding it. I work OK with Matt but we are on the same page. It sucks that we live on different Islands now because we are a good team. I miss him, I’m glad that Fiber Optics have made it easy to make music with people at a distance. I cannot think of anyone else that I know currently making music like I do. He has had a raft of Cat Scans, MRIs and stuff. He’s been charted a whole bunch of anti seizure medicine and his life is not very fun. When a medical issue like seizures crops up suddenly your whole life revolves around hospitals and doctors, nurses and the smell of disinfectant and farts.
I love my Brother Matt, we are kin me and him.
That’s not to say I don’t like the music I make with the other guys. It’s just that it’s more music that they like and I play along rather than playing music that we all like. Every now and then we get to do one that I choose. The last time was Marvin Gayes “Whats Goin On?” even if some people pouted all the way through it and refused to join in. ha ha ha. Mostly though I just try and play the changes, we sound really good most of the time. We do a version of “Do Lang Do Lang” but somehow I just cant shake “My Sweet Lord” and somehow its a thing. I love both of those songs. They are so close that I cant see how playing guitar on one of them could be that much different from the other. I’m rambling. Aren’t I?
As much as I have been avoiding politics I am concerned by the few snippets I catch here and there. Another Black Youth gunned down by cops in Detroit, the Motor City, home of Motown and Marshall Mathers. On the footage you can see the young guy pull a gun on cops “You aint taking my boy” he shouts as he pops off two shots. What you don’t see is that he and his friends are surrounded by advancing armed police. To Him, his life and the life of his friend were already in jeopardy, why not shoot back for a change? Now I can see even the hardest of left winger having trouble defending his actions but I think the crux of dissent is that he was vastly out manned and out gunned. He fired two shots at an officer, point blank, and missed. They could have just let him try to run and shot him in the leg. Easily they could have.
Here’s a young Black Man to give you some perspective.
I feel conflicted about terminology. “African American” “Black” “Colored” I guess anything as long as it isn’t one of the hateful ones. I used to use the N word to shock my friends. I don’t do that anymore. My family, along with many many others, in the beginning of the 80s had a resurgence in Tikanga Māori. I can remember the night. We were around the table at out house in Banks St, Invercargill and my Dad was explaining to me and my brother what it meant to be Māori. I can remember being quite shocked by it, like “Are we really Māoris????” It was bombastic news. He taught us a song and we kinda went from there to spending much of our free time at the Marae or doing KapaHaka. The song he taught us was “Me He Manurere“, I’ll see if i can find it. My dad used to get old rolls of wallpaper and write the words to the songs on it in marker, this being the ancient Māori method of learning Waiata. This wonderful blossoming of Cultural identity, this reclamation of Intellectual property and revitalization of a living language had a flow on effect for me at School. Suddenly I was called upon for anything remotely Māori and soon kids were using the N word. Maybe I was darker back then? Maybe the deep south is just as fucking Rascist as I remember it. Either way, it is not a nice word.
This new record from Juice is good. It’s a shame that he will be remembered as a drug casualty rather than for the artist he was. The story of how he died. Fuck. One of his lyrics is “Planes Everywhere I see satan”. Dude. That fucking Pilot! Rage. I know its not music for everyone. I tried to turn Martin on to it. As always he gave it a fair listen but it wasn’t for him, he hates the modern sound of vocal treatments. Juice doesn’t use much autotune, he was a badass, his harmonies are all real but I think that his delivery is such that it grates on anyone over 30. His message is simple. He is broken and trying to find happiness and stability in a life marred by prescription drugs, addiction, gun violence and police brutality. He uses Demons and Devils as imagery quite a lot. Both the inner ones and the outer ones. I like him. I was at a Halal takeaway shop last week. It was full and I had a decent half hour wait. This young man sat down next to me and we started talking about Hip Hop. He is a Papua New Guinean from Perth, Australia here studying Biology and Horticulture. “Science for bigger buds” in his words. After a while he goes “Do you like any Rappers that are alive?” and I rattled off a handful of current artists that I like but I realised that much of the new music that reaches me does so after some tragedy brings them into the public eye. Pop Smoke, Juice, XXXTentacion, Nipsey the list goes on. I guess it’s because it’s a genre or genres that I am unfamiliar with and the only time it gets to me is when the hip hop channels that I pay attention to discus artists that pass away. I’m not some kind of necrohiphophead, I listen to heaps of different hip hop from different eras but the new ones are so prolific and so varied in their sub genres that I kinda give up trying to discover new stuff. The most recent one I’ve fallen in love with is Anderson Paak, so I do go out of my way to discover new music, there’s just so much of it! However, when one of them falls, particularly if it was avoidable or violent, I feel honor bound to listen to them out of respect. I dunno. Particularly Juice Wrld 999, he didn’t need to die. It sucks. Fucking Feds and snitches, defund em all! Fuckers.
I guess I better go and do some of this stuff I keep saying I’m gonna do. If you only listen to one piece of music today, make it this one.
ps – Hi. It’s late in the afternoon now. I’ve cleaned up my pit and have been grocery shopping. I was tempted to buy dog treats but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. The fanciest thing I bought was the “Epicure” aged cheese. It is Cheese Heroin, I don’t know a better way to describe it. I feel fucked now, I had to take many little breaks along the way. I bought a small cheap bottle of wine. Not for drinking, silly, for curing tobacco. I harvested more leaves today. Its not going to be the bumper crop it should have been but it is still going to be a decent little stash and there are sufficient leaves for a handful of cigars as well. I’m looking forward to sharing. I was reading about how you can cure cannabis leaves and heads much the same way and get a smoother smoke. Of course growing it is still illegal here so we wont find out for a few years. I also went through all the songs I am currently working on and simply deleted the tracks that weren’t working or that had become over cooked. I feel better. Even though it hurts doing simple shit like this I still feel better once I do. Today I saw a picture of my stomach, taken a day or two after surgery, and I am still amazed. They cut me in half, pretty much! From my spine right around to my belly, like a downward slash of a saber, or a machete. Oh yeah, that’s what I came back to tell you! I’ve been drinking soda water. It tastes like a treat but there are no calories. Ice Cold it is yummy. God my life is dull. Anyway, I hope you are also feeling like you accomplished something today. xxx
Hello Friend. I’m sorry I haven’t been very active on here for a bit. Swings and roundabouts, ups and downs. A good thing about my recent hibernation is that I know very little about whats going on in the wider world… if we are looking for silver linings. I am blissfully unaware of what that mandarin headed halfwit in Washington is up to. I haven’t felt very motivated lately and when I do manage to feel motivated I feel like I’m just holding my breath until I get back to the safety of my little space. Pushing through. It really hurts and I’m getting less and less better at hiding it. I spoke to my Dr today, I guess that could be considered progress. She told me that I am at the upper limit of pain relief and that I need to get myself more active, you know? For my arms and legs and shoulders? Then she sort of trailed off. Not only did she not change anything, she’s not even hiding how few fucks she gives. Oh there’s an appointment booked for me in Oct at the pain clinic…. Did I not receive a letter? No I didn’t. Also, how many times do I tell her that I tend to miss these appointments? That the anxiety rises and rises until I panic and don’t show up? That I even sometimes drive all the way there and back without going? How many times do I plead with her to go in to bat for me? This isn’t right, it can’t be right. Here are a few random quotes from Google about my condition post surgery (almost 2 years ago)…. Not just from random wiki pages either but from respected hospitals, journals and medical schools.
*Most patients return to full activity on an average of three weeks after surgery.
*Most patients are able to return to full activity within 4-6 weeks compared with 8-12 weeks for open partial nephrectomy.
*Your belly will feel sore after the surgery. This usually lasts about 1 to 2 weeks. Your doctor will give you pain medicine for this.
She laughed at me when I said I’d been on google. Six months ago.
Urgh. I’m sorry, kind reader. You know when something just takes over your whole life and it’s all you can think about?
In brighter News. I get to take care of a Dog for a few days this week. I am really looking forward to it. I wondered how unfair it might be to make a dog have to hang out with someone as challenged as I am but I can always get one of those tennis ball throwers or something and we can go for drives to parks or whatever. The last time I had a dog as a companion was in happier times. Not much happier but happier nonetheless. It will be fun and it will sort these bastarding cats out that think they own the place.
I was pulled over by a policeman yesterday. I was looking forward to getting stopped when I first got my license back. Being legal and having a legit vehicle for the first time in well over a decade is something I am proud of. I was foolish to look forward to it though, it was menacing and I can still remember the fear, the way my hands were shaking so. I don’t know if he noticed but, in that moment, I was in a full on panic attack. I remember babbling and being unable to shut up and I remember racking my brain to make sure there was nothing that could prompt this man to arrest me, even though I was innocent and it was just a routine license check.
I am supposed to be booking in for Aqua Aerobics today but I feel discouraged after talking to the Dr. I think I could do Aqua Aerobics but I think I will need more support. I will do it. I want to do it. I am seeing my community Nurse on Friday and I will ask her for help. I have been visiting friends a couple of times this week but I always go away from these gatherings and conversations paranoid and worried about what people think of me. I know that I have been very depressed and in a lot of pain lately and maybe its made me a bit mental, a bit obviously mental. I wonder what my friends make of me lately and I am also aware of a few who will take those observations and revelations elsewhere. So I chew on all this dumb shit and I feel less and less like going out. When I do I am always mindful of how long I have until I can go home. Are other people like this?
Sorry, my camera isn’t very good.
I have to give this laptop back on Friday. It doesn’t belong to me. It was bought to produce music and video clips for a project that never got off the ground. I’ve been lucky to have it all this time. Its just an entry level macbook, it can only really support one decent sized piece of software before it starts running out of memory and it is also a floor model that comes with foibles and quirks resulting from thousands of browsing shoppers, trying to fuck with it. This week I am mixing down the new Screw Jack record and will have it finished by Friday complete with video clips for youtube. Both Matt and I are struggling with mental health at the moment but it is making for good music… that’s two silver linings in one day, not too shabby. The Roast chicken I did last night wasn’t too bad either, stuffing, Yams, Pumpkin, peas and Potatoes. Silver linings coming out my arse! I am very anxious about not having a laptop or a tablet or even a TV. The escapism I get from media helps keep my brain from dwelling too long on unhelpful thoughts and feelings. I thought I could wrangle some cash for a new one but it’s just not looking good. I am not sure how I will cope without a way to record music. I guess I can take or leave the internet, there are always books after all, but I feel naked without a means of making music. I can take up painting or something.
It will be ok.
Just breathe.
Man, todays little rant…. maybe I should be paying you for reading this, like therapy.
Hey speaking of Therapy?!
Otherwise… You know, as I said at the beginning, swings and roundabouts… you win some, you lose some. Despite how glum I feel I know that it doesn’t last, that things turnaround, I know not to forget my second wind, as Billy Joel always said, so here’s a lighter note to end on. My mate Matt has been sitting in with some serious musicians lately. Recording and performing with International level Music Makers of pedigree and talent. He sends me all the rough mixes and live recordings. None of it I am allowed to share or publish but just to get to hear it all before its released is magic. When it comes out I will post it here and you will see what I mean. If you are into that sort of thing. I feel really lucky. The people I make music with are really neat, I wouldn’t change that for the world. We had a little lash on Friday night, not a full rehearsal, just guitars and bass around a fire, Kiwi style, the only thing missing was a crate of beer. Lately I have also been playing a bit of accompanying guitar alongside an electric piano. I’ve been looping samples from those jams into hip hop and psy dub tracks for the record. Now and then I sort of drift outside of myself as I am playing. Listening to the music being made from outside of myself, those moments are blissful. Truly Blissful. I wish everyone could get to feel that. That Phil Spektor… he really was a Bumout huh?
The world is torn asunder between two kinds of people. People that know what all those tiny little gas canisters are that litter the city streets on a Monday morning and people that don’t. You and I, gentle reader, we know… don’t we dearest? Others, however, do not and so todays little spiel is about N2O, commonly known as Laughing Gas or Nitros Oxide. I saw a handful of those little silver bastards outside the probation office today and it took me back. Way back.
Nitros has been around for a long time. As you may know from film, TV and literature, Nitros Oxide was used as an early anesthetic by dentists and surgeons and is still used to this day in those two fields. Birthing units all tend to have 3 taps on the wall behind the bed. Vacuum, Oxygen and N2O. It is administered via a mask and produces an insensibility to pain as well as a mild euphoria verging on hysteria depending on dosage and tolerance. Laughing or giggling fits are often experienced. Hence the name. Dentists sometimes use it to calm patients and I’m sure there are a hundred other legitimate medical uses for it. It doesn’t cross the blood/brain barrier nor does it cross the placenta, which is why it’s so useful in the delivery room. I wonder if midwives are allowed to administer it for home births? I could easily persuade a midwife that I’m in my third trimester, with twins even…. It is also used in the hospitality industry for whipped cream machines. Because it is inert it is a perfect gas for use in food preparation and is also the pressurizing agent in those old timey seltzer bottles that clowns and the three stooges were always squirting each other in the face with in the movies. They use it in high performance cars too but I understand it’s a slightly different process and you wouldn’t want to inhale it.
Because it is so widely used and because abuse is practically harmless you can still buy it over the counter, albeit in the small little single use canisters. Back around the end of the century you used to see the big tanks at festivals and raves. They mostly used to just sell it by the balloon but I did once see a bank of comfy chairs and people using masks. Those big tanks must be highly valuable when you consider that a balloon full of gas might cost a fiver… I watched a Vice Doco a few years ago where they followed a bunch of professional N2O dealers around for a few weeks. They would target rural hospitals and birthing units, knowing exactly where they kept all the various tanks of gas on the premises. We’ve all seen those parts of a Hospital or large Industrial building, they are usually loading bay type arrangements with a chainlink fence and a bunch of hazard signs posted near various sizes of tank. Some have propellants, some oxygen and, yup, some N2O. I can’t imagine it’s very hard to do, the only problem would be that you couldn’t hit the same place with any frequency and you might run out of sources after a while.
Most people just use the little tanks though. You can buy little hand held “crackers” or, if you are into the whole paraphernalia thing, the old timey seltzer bottles. I guess the difference is that between a 2dollar fit from the chemist or Travoltas fancy little junky kit in Pulp Fiction. At the end of the day they serve the same purpose. Here’s the trick. You use a device (Called a Cracker) to A:Break the seal on the canister and B: expel the gas into an ordinary party balloon without losing it all to the atmosphere. It’s a very cold gas, you wear a glove when you “Crack” it because you can burn yourself on it as it comes out of the cracker, blistering cold, your skin can stick to the surface. Once the balloon is full, the canister spent, you inhale the gas but keep the balloon ready for when you breathe out, this way you get a few lungs full before it expires. Done correctly a couple of people can get high from the same balloon. Then, well, then you do it again. Part of the actual high is simply mild oxygen deprivation as you breathe in and out of the balloon, its a pretty tame drug.
Next time you are walking to work on a Monday morning and see all those little gas canisters in the gutter, now you know why they are there. They also look a bit like the compressed air canisters that certain types of air rifle and pistol use but I dont think they have the same contents.
What does it feel like? It’s a really nice feeling. Next time you are in a birthing unit, turn that little tap when no-ones looking and suck that shit straight from the teat… Just remember to sanitize before and after. Just because we are freaks doesn’t mean we are irresponsible in the age of covid_19. I used to like getting three or four balloons ready and then putting Pink Floyds “Comfortably Numb” on at Volume. In correct doses you can hallucinate and the intensity of the euphoria is only limited by how much of it you can do. All of your pleasure receptors light up like a Christmas tree and, for a few blissful minutes, nothing else really matters. That it doesn’t last long and that it has minimal long term effects (if any) are probably the reasons it’s not more heavily regulated or restricted. I’m not sure of its legality. Maybe its that weird grey area like Magic Mushrooms. Its not illegal to eat them, only to posses them. (Many Hippies have adopted a practice of kneeling down and biting the mushroom stalk from the ground thereby not committing the crime of possession. I’m not sure how true it is but it would sure make the mission a bit more interesting.) The most harm, in my humble onion, comes from litter and the waste of resources. Those little tanks seem wasteful, from a sustainability vantage. I have no experience of working with it in the kitchen, perhaps they last a lot longer when not used as a narcotic?
Whenever I see a little pile of spent canisters I always try to imagine what was going on… A parked car full of teens on their way to a party or a nightclub? A business man with a hooker? A Homemaker sneaking out to the car once the kids are in bed for a few naughty breaths? Something like that? I lived in a flat once where we went through a N2O phase. Every day was spent watching movies, smoking pot, drinking home brew and huffing N2O. It was relatively inexpensive back then and we would buy them by the case, $120 or so for 200 canisters. Dunno what they are worth these days, surely not much more than that. Someone worked out that if we bought it from a wholesaler we could get the price down. I wonder if they knew what we were doing with them? I had a fake bakery account with a wholesaler called Gilmores and could buy stuff like N2O, Booze and Poppy Seeds there for much cheaper than in the stores. I was a douchebag ladies and germs, no doubt about it.
That’s what I was thinking about this morning, thanks for indulging me. The last few days have been really bad, my stomach hurts. I don’t know what to do with myself when it’s like this. I just try to not hurt. I am seeing my community nurse on thursday and am going to ask for some support. My mental health isn’t that great at the best of times but lately I feel unable to ask for the help I need. I think it’s because I have been begging for help for over a year now and they don’t seem to be able to hear me. It feels hopeless. I think My GP is terrible and yet I haven’t had the courage to approach a new Dr. I know how stupid that sounds but, meh, I dunno what to tell you.
I’d like to go and visit my friends tomorrow, its been a few days of not being able to do very much and I am missing my mates. Hopefully I can get my daughter to drive me, she wants to sit her full license soon but shes not quite ready yet. We can get some parallel parking in. I’ve been working on new Screw Jack music plus I did a bunch of test recordings with one of the bands a few weeks ago and I’ve been making loops from out takes and candid little snippets of jams and stuff. They sound really good and I’m confident that people will not mind me sneaking samples of them once they hear it. They are really great musicians and vocalists and I love catching them just noodling between songs or while waiting for others to tune or get sheet music or whatever. It’s very time consuming trawling through hours of recordings looking for samples and loops but time and patience are two things I have in abundance. They sound a little like Trilli0n or, shudder, Moby. Distinctly hip hop but I’m pressing some of them into use as Dubs once I have final mixes done. This is gibberish to you probably but these are the things I get out of bed for, I get off on a really nice hook or a slick beat that that sounds unique.
I have been paying less attention to Mr Trump and the march of White America towards Fascism but I am still very aware of whats going on over there. My heart breaks for African America. I don’t like their chances of effecting change, I really don’t. Maybe some of them could come and live here as political refugees? We have heaps of space, maybe we could offer them a separate state of their own on an Island in the Gulf, I am sure my Tribe owns a handful of them. Or a large chunk of Fjordland… it’s just sitting there, hundreds and hundreds of miles of wilderness. Not that anyone ever listens to me. All the while there’s an “Anti Mask” movement. I read somewhere that if 80% of Americans wore masks while out in public the new infection rates could drop to 8% of what it currently is. How could you possibly think that is a bad thing? How could you take such a stand knowing that your actions may hurt other people? Trump, in his July 4 speech, suggested that 99% of Covid_19 infections are harmless. “Totally Harmless” even. How? Man. I just… fuck. To top it all off, Kanye has announced he is running for president. You may laugh but we all laughed when Donald Trump did the same… Nothing will surprise me anymore. The sad part about that is that Kanye is deeply Christian and a devout Trump supporter. Still… it would be pretty cool to some day have American Currency with Kanye wearing those shutter shades on it…
We are still contact tracing here. I have seen a few times where the rules are bent out of sheer laziness though. They ask you “Have you been in contact with anyone with Covid like symptoms?” and if you say yes it becomes a massive thing. I heard last week of an instance where one person in a workplace had been in contact with a person who had been in contact with a person who had had a covid test. The test was negative but still the rules had to be followed. Because she was already at work when she answered these questions they decided to send everyone else home and she was the only one there for a week! Crazy, right? Check out our Infection Rates though… Crazy works. I feel so very bad for people in countries without the kind of careful and human-centric leadership that we have here. Pretty lucky to be a Kiwi I think.
Speaking of which, that was pretty trippy the other day! I went to Google the word “Whānau” just to see what non-māori speakers might find if they went searching for the word and lo and behold there is a pic of my Dad and my Nephew along with my beautiful Nan (That’s her peering over my Pops left shoulder), cousins and Aunties.
(I posted the Pic here but I’ll leave it to you to find it if you feel so inclined…. snitches snitch about the snitchiest things dont they darlings?)
I was like, oh shit, how often does google reflect ones reality like that? Next to never. It was surreal! Give it a go if you can be fucked, it’s pretty neat. Here’s the pic. Some of those people are gone now. Those are all people that I love.
I’m just waffling now. Hey don’t huff Nitros or any other Gas, I truly believe that I destroyed my mind in my teens with solvents. I often wonder what I may have been if I hadn’t learned that particular trick at such a young age. That’s a story for another day though. I hope you are safe and well. I am joining an aqua-aerobics class next term. With all the fatties and the old folks. Even just typing it makes me want to crawl up into a ball. My weight, my tattoos, my hair, that fucking scar… I dont want anyone to see me like this but I need to do something low impact or I’m just going to keep getting less and less able to do stuff. Fatter and Fatter. I haven’t been in the water for a couple of years but I can imagine it will be less painful than, say, going for a walk or whatever. If I dont sort this out I will eventually die from it. I want to find love again. I want to make more music. I still feel young. My Probation officer was going on to me that I need to accept the last few years and I think what he means is that I’ve got to try and be kinder to myself and get back up, dust myself off and try to be a better person. He is right. It’s so hard because I really do care what other people think of me. I know that people say you should not but I think it’s part of being human, it’s certainly part of being an addict. All I can do is keep on. Some days I win, some days I lose.
I hope you are well and safe and keeping yourself and your community safe. What a time to be alive huh? Bless up and here’s a very relevant and pertinent clip from Cairo Knife Fight, for your listening and viewing pleasure….
On the East Coast the old Māori drink Steinlager and Square Gin. “Square” refers to the shape of the Bombay Saphire Bottle but there are other square bottles I have seen passed around that I can’t name. Memory fails me. Berkley Square perhaps? I’ve also seen Tanqueray on occasion, the unmistakable green bottle and classy script, the choice of Rappers and Gentlemen of character… At any rate its a matter of some pride among those Ngāti Porou people and a visitor bearing these two comestibles will earn high favor. Of course you have to be able to stay up all night drinking the stuff without becoming an asshole…. that’s another matter of pride… being able to hold ones liquor. Of course, as the generations have spread out a bit, Cannabis could be added to this list as well, the East Coast being famous for their ganja.
They drink their Steinlager ice cold from the big green bottles and the the Gin from the bottle cap as the bottle periodically makes the rounds of the room/garage/fire pit, patio, whatever. You really don’t know the meaning of the word “Party” until you’ve broken bread with Coasties. Those people know how to do it. The kids all get fed, entertained and gradually shuffled off to bed, the guitars come out and the fires are lit. If there isn’t a Hāngi then there’s a boil up or a BBQ and there’s usually seafood. They know how to douse the fires of alcohol with food at the end of the night and they have some of the finest game and seafood in the country.
They claim Cray Fish as their own. According to legend (and science), the crayfish use the East Coast as the fulcrum of their migratory habits. The Crays we eat in NZ and some of the Australian ones come from the East Coast of NZ. When they are ready to shake their tails and drop their eggs they travel to a trench 100km off the East Coast. There they drop their eggs and begin their migration again. The Eggs hatch into swimmers and these are the ones that travel… To Fjordland, to the West Coast and, well, everywhere. Apparently the earliest aircraft mistook the columns of Crays for Oil Slicks, they were so numerous. The “PackHorse” Crays also migrate from the very very deep south, below Stewart Island, to the East Coast where they mate and spawn. We’ve reduced the Population somewhat since then but, hopefully, sustainably. It still grates on me that we have this rich and potent resource and yet its only really affordable to the wealthy. There is nothing, however, stopping me from going to gather my own, so…. yeah. Crayfish is divine. Simply Divine.
I have these memories of old people around a table with guitars and songs from way way back. They sing songs from the 1920s, 30s, 40s, 50s… now and then they do something modern… as in 1960s he he he. They also sing Waiata and they harmonise and solo like angels. I used to love it when Husbands would serenade their Wives or Wives their Husbands., swaying hips and flashing eyes. They can be bloody grubby too and some of the old songs must have been quite risque for the times. I can see my Uncle Alf with his guitar resting on his huge belly, sweaty and marvelous. Sometimes the old folks could bring out the most incongruous instruments. Alfs was Saxophone and man that guy could wail. I have an Aunty that plays Autoharp and another that played Mandolin and French Horn. I think some of them played in Dance bands and some of them were in the Marching Bands of either the Military or one of the various Māori bands. Rātana Pā and Wāhi Pā both have fine marching band traditions and many generations of Māori have learned their chops this way. Then you have the “Spoons“. I really dunno how to describe “Spoons” if you don’t know what they are. It’s a percussion instrument, much like Castanets… but with table spoons (Soup Spoons preferably). They sound amazing and, done correctly, is like a really fast high hat or a machine gun snare hit, (HemidemisemiQuavers!!!!) Spoons are great. I think there’s a lot about this kind of Māori music that reflects early Jamaican mento music in that they used whatever was handy to make it. A guitar, a couple of spoons and nice tight harmonies… what more do you need? Oh yeah… he he he Stein Grenades and Square Gin… followed by a nice skunky spliff and some smoked Eel warm from the smoker.
Somewhere on the East Coast people are waking up to find a handful of battlers still at the table, waiting for the tide to turn for fishing or waiting for people to get up so they can get started again, keeping the home fires lit, as we say. It’s Saturday in winter so they are probably off to Rugby and all the socializing that comes with that. I love my country. When I look around the world I see so many nations of folks that would give one of their limbs to be in my position. In our position. It’s so sad. I feel blessed but I also feel conflicted, we still have problems. It’s not all smiling drunks making music and pukana. In fact, to some people, the party scene I have described can also be a nightmare. Not every community is like The Coast. For some the rattle of bottles conjures the prospect of violence, sexual abuse and conflict. Old wounds sometimes come bursting fresh into life after a few beers, a few Gins. So yeah… I managed to take quite an upbeat idea and wring it’s neck.
I’m up and about, just pushing through the pain. I am going to batter those bloody oysters today. I have a massive seafood craving, as you may have noticed. I even went to the Fish and Chip shop for a dose of Mussels a few days ago. Its a new place owned by a Māori family but the girl at the counter was Chinese (I think) and we had a little language difficulty. I said “Half a dozen mussels please” and she looks at me blankly…. So then I hold up my left hand, for some reason, and go “Six”, flashing her the five fingers of my left hand, like those assholes that speak to immigrants or tourists very slowly and very loudly as if, somehow, the person they are speaking to will suddenly understand English. She got there in the end though and we commenced with our business without further misunderstanding. I can’t get past the fact that I held up five fingers to explain that I wanted 6 things… When I arrived home I found that they’d given me 7 mussels. I wonder if one of those was a sarcastic bivalve? These are the things I wrestle with in the wee small hours.
I have an idea for a song. It’s about a man who beats another man to death with an Apple.
I noticed recently that Youtube have started flagging certain phrases when you type them. They sort of flash a few times. At first I thought it was spell check but it’s not. Try it for yourself. I was typing the phrase “This is Chill the fuck Out Music” and after I’d typed it the words Chill the fuck out flashed three times and then stopped. It can only be the AI vetting for stuff. I used to try and fuck with things like this but my appetite for that sort of thing has been whetted. The less the powers that be care about me the better.
What about a happy story to finish? My Grandpa used a straight razor to shave. He used to let me watch him. It was fascinating. He had all the tools and paraphernalia. A couple of big Strops hung on the wall. A strop, if you don’t know, is a strip of very heavy leather that you use to sharpen the straight razor. He used to say that you wanted to make the blade “Keen”. He used a shaving brush and a little bowl to get the shaving cream all fluffy. I can remember how his “Whiskers” used to feel. Before and after he would let me run my hands over his chin. Rough and prickly and then smooth and clean. He would finish it off with a splash of “Old Spice” and call it good. I loved it, it seemed magical and I really dug the whole ritual of it all. He shaved everyday, I have seen photos of him with stubble but I, personally, never saw him with anything more than a five o’clock shadow. I still think of his facial hair as “Whiskers” because that’s what he called them. Everyone else has a beard or stubble or a mustache.… only my Grandpa had Whiskers. He was a kind man. He taught me not to walk with my hands in my pockets, to be ready for anything and to watch where I was walking. He taught me how to use a saw and a hammer. He taught me to be careful with power tools and he tried to teach me how to garden. I wish I’d had more time with him.
I’ve decided to take a leaf from Killer Mike and try to spend money at Māori owned businesses. As you can probably imagine I don’t contribute a hell of a lot to the local economy but still I think it’s a start and maybe others do this too. It’s easy to do here in this little town because there’s only a handful of businesses to choose from and I already know many of them. I think it will be more useful when its time to get my cars Warrant Of Fitness or repairs, instances where I have to spend a considerable amount of money. There is a Māori owned music store in Tokoroa and I am sure I can buy from them online. Not at the moment but towards the end of the year I hope to be able to spend a little money on equipment and I hope to spend it with somebody of my own ethnicity. Do you think it’s racist? I don’t feel like I am coming from a place of hatred, I just want to show some solidarity and, well, we are not talking about very much money, are we gentle reader? Not a lot at all.
So, there you go friend. Thats where my head is today. We had a really good review of our latest EP this week. Here it is. 5 stars.
I hope wherever you are that you are safe and happy, loved and kind to others. It’s all we can do in the face off such adversity. It’s hard for us here in Aotearoa to not think that the Covid_19 crisis over. We have largely gone back to how things were before the shut down, albeit with continued contact tracing and stricter quarantine procedures. It’s nowhere near over though is it kind reader? If you are in one of the Countries really suffering I really hope you are staying safe, social distancing, wearing a mask when you are out and washing hands, sanitizing often. That’s how we did it, and are doing it. We have good leadership though, I know some of you don’t. Someone said the other day that “New Zealand exists simply to Troll America.”. We are the exact opposite of the USA and yet the most powerful nation of the past 100 years has been brought to its knees by something that we dealt with swiftly and with apparent ease. We don’t all have handguns. Our police have only started having side arms in very recent history. We try and have tried for a long time to address racial inequalities in earnest and whilst it’s a work in progress we have made huge strides in this area. We have humanitarian Immigration policies and we do not discriminate by race or religion. We have a functioning welfare state and we have universal health care. In my experience, I’ve never known anyone to go without healthcare be it urgent or long term. I know that sometimes certain drugs and treatments are prohibitively expensive or even unavailable but, by and large, I think we do ok. It’s a Paradise. Flawed, like every Paradise, but Paradise nonetheless.
Ps – Hullo again my fancy haberdashers, my hearty soldiers in the trenches of love… Your faithful Hero got off of his lardy arse today and did stuff, pushing through the pain. I managed to do some shopping and spend a couple of hours in the kitchen. Does anyone else type teh instead of the? Infuriating isn’t it?. I made my Mums’ Chicken and Apricot Pie for the people, the people with the mouths and tummys. It has leeks, capsicum, onion garlic, apriclopse, Philly Cream Cheese (No substitutes will do), chicken and cashews. Yum. I also beer battered a dozen oysters and a dozen mussels. They are right here beside me and as soon as I’m done doing internets I’m gonna put a movie on and stuff myself…. finally scratching that seafood itch… and yes I have lemon quarters and tartare sauce… duh. I just wanted to document the marvel of activity that was today. I also mic’d the drum kit and laid down some drum tracks. Wonders will never cease… as my pie making mumma used to say.
pps- shout out to the Avery Whānau of Two Rivers Wisconsin.
ppps- Its pretty neat to be able to type the word whānau into google and it has a picture of your actual whānau… Give it a crack
Hullo Kind Reader, I am sorry I haven’t been very verbose this week. I am in a lot of pain. It’s ok if I keep still but even then it’s the difference between a dull ache and a sharp one. Along with this comes depression and anxiety and I just kind of slog through because I know that it passes and that there are good days among the hard ones. I have a new Dr. out here in the sticks. I haven’t managed to touch base yet. Partly it’s a fiscal matter but there’s also a lot of fear attached to it and I am a champ when it comes to putting stuff off when I am fearful. I feel confused sometimes and I do not express myself very well. I have all these things that I do to keep my head above water, cooking for others, making music with my friends, walking and even little stuff like cleaning, showering and shaving. They all probably sound docile as fuck but they are massive when I can’t do them because it hurts too much. I’ve been trying to hide how bad it is but I can only do it for so long. I blogged about drugs a while back and about how I have a life now in which nobody that I know uses or sells hard drugs. I’d kill for a morphine script right now, legit or illegit…. Even knowing how hard it would be to kick, I am at that point with the pain. Did I tell you how the Dr laughed at me when I mentioned that THC would be far better for the pain than all this other shit that doesn’t work. They laughed out loud. What am I supposed to make of that?
So, yeah that’s my day. Pretty bleak. I finally managed to find the fresh fish guy up at Kihikihi on Monday and I have a doz jumbo oysters and some fresh smoked fish. My plan was to make a fish pie and battered Oysters but I’ve also discovered that only two of us eat seafood and so it comes down to that whole “Cooking for one” thing, it sucks… basically. I know that at some point the pain will subside for a bit and I’ll be able to conjure the courage to get something done. You have to understand that even the good days still require me to take rest stops every ten minutes or so. “Pain-Free” is a relative term. I love seafood. There’s part of me that’s gagging for it… like “Dude, its right there in the fridge, you just have to cook it!” and there’s another part of me that weighs up the pros and cons and decides it’s not worth it. Maybe I’ll just keep myself on a leash until my mouth finally waters so much that I just gobble all those salty, snot textured goodies down raw.
I’ve discovered new Music though. Apparat is the stage name of a German minimalist electronic producer. He also goes under the name Moderat and is part of a collective called “Modelselektor”. It’s wonderful music. Very in tune with the stuff I have been making this past 4 or 5 years. Down tempo, bass heavy, binary, trance music. I have been hunting for this kind of music for a while now. I can hear it in my head but I haven’t been able to find any artists that do it until now. The gorgeous Birds Of Passage are similar but they are more ambient, I like my ambience with a bit more kick drum, you know? Speaking of them, here’s a live clip I found of them in Eastern Europe a year or two ago… Nice to see Bruno on guitar.
I really don’t have much to say today, I just wanted to touch base. Have you seen “Dark”? On Netflix? It’s this German Sci-fi dealio… check it out if you like your time travel served up with a side of spooky. A more mature version of “Stranger Things”… sort of.
I hope you are safe and well. I feel lost. I guess it’s ok to feel that way because it doesn’t come with the chaos and pain that came with how I used to deal with feeling lost or hurt or sad or lonely. In many ways life is so much better than it has been this last decade. I have much to be grateful for.
xm
ps – I can actually feel myself get fatter by the day.
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