relative security of sober

I’ll have a crack at writing my little mental love letter before I take any drugs today, see how that goes…

Well, fuck… drawing a blank.

Ok so heres an idea… I am coming to grips with my life again. I think that the thing that made life so shiny, briefly, wasnt so much that I had some of the things I always dreamed of but that I actually liked who I was being and how I saw that reflected in the eyes of the people around me. The trick is to find that place and be mindful of the fucker as often as I can. Then I can be happy more. I reckon. I sank all my resources and hope into the idea that I could create a life I could love and that I could share with someone else. So whats my fucking problem? I have that. I have always had that!

I wake up when I want. I get to make music all day, sometimes with other people like myself. I have a kick ass radio station, broadcasting my mental little tunes to the world 24/7, I dress exactly the way I wanted to when I was 15 and I have a full head of lustrous, well groomed locks without any sign of balding or even any serious state of wrinklage. I am the model of what Kurt Cobain might have grown into had he given himself the chance to. PLUS, I am the worlds greatest lover. Thats gotta count for something! Surely! Fuckers!

So maybe this whole “Typing while straight” isnt such a great idea… perhaps the drugs keep the old EGO in check, heh. Anyway, I have been doing a bit of soul searching. I am learning that other peoples mental states have come to rely on me. Which is just about the stupidest thing I can imagine. “Oh yeah, lets balance our precarious emotional and mental state here, atop this crumbling tower of drugs, low self esteem and dysfunction”… A fucking ridiculous notion! Stop it! One thing I have learned (thank you very much) is that we do not need anyone else to be happy. If we cannot be whole and complete as individuals then we are of fuck all use to anyone else. Love becomes dependence, Partnership becomes reliance and suddenly the beautiful creature that we adore so much has become us and we end up fucked because it was exactly that person that we were trying to get away from in the first place! No, no no. We must approach life alone, I am afraid, we come in that way and thats how we leave it. If there is love to be had then it must come from a place of mutual strengths and not simply from need. I get that now. Took me long enough.

I am writing songs. Actual songs, with words. Heres the music….

Im not brave enough to share the vocals yet, Im afraid, but here they are, in all their glory…

She’s stretched out fine in the morning sun, in my minds eye, why would I ever run? wearing nothing but a smile that says, she thinks that Im an animal for looking at her that way, do do do do dooo, barefoot naked, loves what you make it, I dont care about destination, drowning in a river that we wade together, no one ever said that it’ll last forever, do do do do dooo, whats stopping us getting away from here? We could disappear, into the wild blue yonder, it’s not unheard of my love… do do do do dooo

Hmmm, even typing them out is a bit more revealing than Im comfy with. Anyway, starting to jones now, gonna go soothe my jangled nerves and start making a racket. Im going to see a presentation about Rahui today. Feed my mind… but first I need to feed my head. Peace.

 

 

hope

This song is so wonderful. An epic kiwi symphony, a pacific flavored blues for a dub generation. That B3 bubbling underneath everything, soaring vocals, slinky bass keeping time like a metronome heartbeat pumping blood into my weary heart. I’m in a strange wasteland. mind all those fucken puns my lovelies… I feel like an empty vessel, the more I put in there to stop up the cracks, the less I seem to contain. A couple of hours sleep and then back into it. I wonder how it looks from the outside? Probably not much different to the usual actually. I’ve so perfected the art of the wastrel that it must be hard to tell the difference. Today I found some hope. Its fucken grim and it offers nothing but solace, it makes no promises and it is firm and hard like a diamond but it is hope nonetheless.

I dunno what else to do now. Make music, its all Im good for. So I will make it. I’ll grow my dreads and I will dose the monster and I will thrash the speakers. I need to spend some time with my babies, its usually the only way to get grounded when Im living like this. I feel like a glider, let fly from the hands of a giant, sailing across a bright clear sky, brisk with a touch of morning frost. I have been challenging my closed lips and dragging lyrics and melody from them. I am not sure how to say what I want to say though. I have this great gift and I fucking squander it! All this fantastic music that languishes for want of a voice, my fucking voice! URGH! Wake up! Jesus H Ballsack Christ!

I need change, I dunno how but Im gonna find it. Im gonna grab hold of that fucking hope and Im gonna tuck it away where I can smell it and I’m gonna get the fuck out of this space. I’m gonna do it in a Dub Style too, with bass and riddim to make you wet your knickers and maybe one day I will like myself again.

I believe in love. I do. I dont believe I am a bad person but I can see my flaws and they are ugly. There are no words for this feeling. I guess that’s why the music has none. It is grim and plaintive and remote, it is grey and yellow stains around the purple bruised eyes… it is pink and bloodshot from the tears that spring up from nowhere, at the drop of a hat, the merest hint of a whisper. The streets feel empty and I have taken to walking them in the early hours, just putting distance between me and my bed. I am Mark Tupuhi. I am a strange creature, all weird angles and contrivance. My heart is so big but I wore it on the outside for so long that it sort of looks all dusty and scabby. It works ok but it has no real useful coping strategies. It is a spontaneous, thoughtless bastard and yet I love it so much because without it I’d be safe, boring, happy….

Bob Dylan – Just Like A Woman Lyrics

Nobody feels any pain
Tonight as I stand here in the rain.
Everybody knows that baby’s got new clothes,
But lately I see her ribbons and her bows
Have fallen from her curls.

She takes just like a woman.
She makes love just like a woman.
And then she aches just like a woman.
But she breaks just like a little girl.

Queen Mary, she’s my friend.
Yes I believe I’ll go see her again.
Nobody has to guess that baby can’t be blessed
‘Till she finally sees that she’s like all the rest
With her fog, her amphetamines, and her pearls.

She takes just like a woman.
She makes love just like a woman.
And then she aches just like a woman.
But she breaks just like a little girl.

It was raining from the first, and I was dying there of thirst,
So I came in here.
And your long-time curse hurts, but what’s worse
Is this pain in here.
I can’t stay in here.
Ain’t it clear…

That I just can’t fit.
Yes I believe it’s time for us to quit.
But when we met again introduced as friends,
Please don’t let on that you knew me when
I was hungry, and it was your world.

You fake just like a woman.
You make love just like a woman.
And then you ache just like a woman.
But you break just like a little girl.

Songwriters: BOB DYLAN
Just Like A Woman lyrics © BOB DYLAN MUSIC CO

Disconenct

Many of us struggle inside this paradigm. It’s hard to connect and relate to a world that seems set up to work in opposition to just about everything good in our natures. Generosity, love, unity and peace are a fine veneer on top of a sludge of ruthlessness, fear, selfishness and a defining spirit of competition that tends to escalate often into conflict and war. I often feel so much at odds with the world I find myself living in that I feel like I must be crazy, that there must be something entirely wrong about me that I feel alone in my lack of coherence, my lack of functionality. To stay in bed, to stay mildly sedated, to remain in a constant state of rebellion seems the only course of action with any integrity and humanity and yet it merely intensifies the suffering I experience. Sometimes I wish for the ignorance and naivety I had as a young man. I wanted nothing more than a secure job, a nice house, a cool car, a beautiful and loving life partner and happy kids and I did start out down that road with the best intentions, truly I did. The strings that come with a life like that were just too much for me to bear. I found that no matter what occupation I found myself in, there was always a Man or Woman at the top of the food chain demanding that I surrender or abandon either my morals or ethics and so I eventually decided to forgo the whole fucking thing and try to be an artist instead. As much as I am a failure at it, at least I’m not compromised daily or contributing to anyone elses wealth creation at my own expense, or anyone elses for that matter. The hardest thing I found about the workplace was that it always seemed to be fucking somebody over. I am sure that there are jobs where this doesnt happen, there are many industries that maintain an attitude of excellence and seem possessed of a conscience but they largely seem to be creative in nature and thats what I do anyway… Perhaps if I just keep making music, art and pounding words into this infernal machine, some day someone will want to use those sounds, images or words for something and suddenly I will find that it all paid off or at least that it all had value. Should this never occur then I do not believe I am any worse off, so long as I have invested my heart and so long as the pursuit has had an influence on my kids and the people I come into contact with. If, in some small way, I can encourage someone else to engage their muse then perhaps that is all thats required of me, vocationally, at least.

I feel lost. I feel uninspired and wretched. I feel like the days are marching past me in rapid succession. I dunno about you but I can feel the gentle pull of surrender on me, like the beckoning finger of depression and withdrawal. I keep these things inside me and I parade my usefulness and industriousness to the people around me as if Im actually a good person, a busy person or a person who contributes. I am probably not any of those things. I am a sad wretch. I have stumbled one too many times, dearest reader and now I must, once again, try to stand upright again. It seems to come every 5 or 7 years or so. I attempt to connect with something real and fail miserably and every time I get back up there is less of my left standing. I feel like a wraith. Perhaps it will make for great music. Perhaps.

I had nightmares the last few nights. Epic and fearsome visions of undoing and betrayal, the twisted faces of lovers and friends as they plunge the knife in and turn on me like vipers. I usually have a sense of it being a dream but these have not even come with that comfort. I wake in a frenzy to the cold water slap of reality but even that doesnt seem to lessen the horror. It’s hard to sleep after that. Luckily I have a good book. Stephen King and Peter Straub wrote The Talisman together, it is a masterpiece. Its their love letter to Tolkien really, a true work of epic fantasy. They rejoined forces to write a sort of sequel to it, rejoining us with Jack Sawyer in his mid 30s and its a bit like being reunited with an old friend. If you like sci-fi, read The Talisman. Then find the next one. I forget what its called, and I cant be fucked going to get it from my room… wait, I’ll google it…. Its called “The Black House” and I just read that theres a third novel as well. Plus theres a tv mini series. So Im off to find those. I hope you are well. I hope that I am alone inside this feeling and that you are fine. I do not intend to spread my misery, merely to give it a voice, so that perhaps people might try to understand. I am not a bad man. I am not evil or particularly malicious. I simply want to tell my story. Some days its a happy story, some days not.

xxxm

Apoplexi

Im sorry. This morning, in fact every morning lately, was a little horrid. I really didnt want to get out of bed. That’s kinda new. Well, new for this decade… I really had to force myself to the coffee machine and into the day. It turned out ok, this morning. We had a great rehearsal and I got to go with a friend to help him select a guitar, might have been his first, that always makes me feel happy, to see someone begin a love affair like that. She was a beauty, all matte finish and smooth. She played like a dream too. I was feeling a bit sorry for myself, no food, no smokes and no drugs, then he goes “hey Ill buy you guys lunch” and my heart went “Bro, you dont know how cool that is” and then the others didnt want to go for lunch. I am glad they couldnt see the way my face dropped. Poverty is shameful and embarrassing. How could someone not have money in this day and age unless they are lazy, useless or stupid? I spend my time creating my own misery, whats worse is that I spent it frivolously on other people who really wouldnt care if I didnt, I waste it on projects that people simply wouldn’t really bother with otherwise. I don’t know how to change this. I dont value my work, why should anyone else. Fuck I am really losing it.

So I’m not coping real good. I watched some music documentaries today and tried to get in the mood to work. I wrote  a beat but quickly lapsed back into my slump. I ended up watching “Arthur and the invisibles” and staring at the walls. I do not know how to fix myself this time. I want to say that I will stop drinking and lay off the drugs but I cant see how I can live like this, days like this would be everyday and I dunno how long I can pull that off. So now I am in bed. Its 730pm and I just hope that I can sleep a little between now and tomorrow. I read books and I listen to music and I write. I have been painting a lot lately too but today I feel no inspiration at all. I am floating in a void. I am eating meat every weekend now, every meal I share with others. I feel like a slug. I have stopped doing all the things that make me feel happy. Making music for others, Meditating, Walking, Gardening and street art. I have given up on the radio station and the various activities associated with it. I am broken. I feel almost like I was broken by other people but to say that denies the possibility of fixing myself. Shifting the blame only serves to create a state of helplessness and I do not believe I am helpless, just a little hopeless. I do not feel at all special, sexy, talented or beautiful. I do not feel any of the things I feel for others. At the very least I feel necessary. Maybe I can learn to live with that. Birds Of Passage is the perfect soundtrack. Slow Motion decline.

I want a car crash, an aggressive cancer, a stray bullet, a freak accident.  Give me a Blue Rain, Green Eye, Black Sky… Rain Coat. I really really need a raincoat.

 

 

Big Man Falling

 

As I have mentioned, I have a spotify playlist for when shit hurts too much. Theres a song on it by Mr David Gray called “Say Hello, Wave Goodbye”. Sometimes I like to pretend that its ok, that everything turned out for the best, you know? I feel broken this morning. I feel like I could swiftly just gobble down all the drugs in the house and have a nice big nap, 30 or 40 years or so, just enough to forget.  I dunno what to do so I simply try to stay out of it as much of the time as possible but now its all falling apart. This course of action doesn’t make anyone happy and yet here I am, plugging away at it, trying to please everyone, as usual. Everyone except me that is. Well…

If you have been reading this then you have probably been waiting for this, it’s probably obvious to everyone except me, that this was always going to end badly. I do not feel like anything is going to be any different. For a moment I was happy, I was hopeful and I was ready to start living a life that I could love. Hahaha. What a fool I am. As if anyone was ever going to let that happen. I know that I do not need anyone else to live a life that I might love but I felt, for a moment, that someone might actually want to build something wonderful with me. Hah. Cunt. I also realise that the only person who can create the sense of wellbeing that I felt back in december is me, in fact it was me creating back then, I suppose. You just cant imagine how wonderful it was. How much I truly felt that I’d finally found what I was looking for. What I’d been looking for my whole life. Can you imagine that? Now can you imagine the empty feeling I wake up with, before the drinks or the drugs or the fucking deafening bass that drives all other thoughts from my mind.

(censored)

So now I am somehow attempting to build something equally beautiful from the wreckage of the past and yet with each step I try to take in a new direction, I feel the resistance of habit, the reluctance to try. Its all the same. I am recreating a life that I hated, a life that EVERYBODY hated. Why am I doing this?

Today I have been choking it back since about 6am. I worked hard to snap out of it but now I’m just gonna let it ride. See where today goes. My friends are coming here in half an hour to have a rehearsal. I cant even be fucked anymore… I truly just want to make heavy, downtempo dub music in an alcoholic, drug induced pot fog. Deep, dusky trance inducing Dub. Everything else is a distraction. EVERYTHING. She was, You are, these guys are. Maybe that is where I can find my redemption. Inside the music. Well, at least it is a thought that can stop me crying this morning. A thought to allow me to move.

Life is hard you guys, life is shitty. Some of you beg to differ, that’s ok. I know that the main difference between us is that you slave away your life to gain financial security and I simply sit here like a stone, wallowing in grief. I dunno if I would trade places. I doubt it. The only other difference is that whilst you get to peer inside my head, I remain blissfully disinterested in the contents of yours. Keep reading though, your tacit and implied judgement keeps me angry. If love wont work then animosity will have to suffice.

How did I create the life I lived in Auckland? I was unhappy and hungry but I was functioning and independent… the strength I had back then baffles me. Surely I still have it but where has it gone? I just want to be happy. I’d really like to make someone else happy too, I know its childish and spirituality juvenile but still I do. I am not. I am going to destroy myself in the attempt though. Hah, I suppose there’s a certain romance in that.

Perhaps something hopeful to finish this mornings therapy….

 

… nope, I got nothing.

I hope this is just me. I hope that its just the last of the winter blues and that this will pass.

 

 

 

Drab

Im definitely drinking too much and I don’t know that I think life would be much nicer without it. I’ve almost lost all the weight I put on over the last year or three but I still feel largely repulsive. I am struggling tonight. I feel unhappy. You know, I have only ever been able to hang onto a few ideas at a time but one of the more consistent ones is to try and have an attitude of generosity and care towards others. I heard the idea “treat others the way you desire to be treated” and it resonated. Somehow I have managed to adopt it into my personality but it is a hard graft. If I seek reciprocity inside this code of conduct then I am going to be let down. I think that perhaps I was a little foolish to have thought that an attitude of “Love by example” might be the best way to get my emotional needs met. Thinking that if I simply show the people I love how I want them to love me by how I treat them is flawed and perhaps was never intended by the phrase mentioned earlier… Perhaps I must just continue to treat people how I wish to be treated regardless of whether or not it comes back (which, largely, it does not) for my own wellbeing. The benefits are actually the joy of having loved someone else as opposed to any rewards that my be gleaned from it. It is a hard lesson but a valuable one. I only hope that I do not lose the spirit of care or of giving. I think that they may well be the only lovable things about me.

Titus Andronicus

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Titus Andronicus
Directed by Pip Smith

“Go to see this play if you have the wit to treat yourself to fine things. You will not regret it. Particularly if you have a taste for villainy and ill deeds…”

“Slip Of The Tongue” Theatre Company are performing Shakespeares “Titus Andronicus” at The Meteor Theatre in Hamilton. 26th, 27th of August and The 1st, 2nd and 3rd of September. Directed by Pip Smith, featuring a local cast of luminaries led by some of New Zealands finest Shakespearean actors and accompanied by the deft musicianship Wairehu Grant.
So firstly, lets talk about technical stuff… The music is fantastic, delivered by a prodigious talent from on stage, alongside the players. Mr Grant performs fluently to the action, in a style he claims is Shakespeare Via Trent Reznor. Its a pretty apt parallel to draw too because this is a dark, gothic horror story, more prone to eery synths and effected guitars than the faux-lutes and raucous percussion that can often accompany the work of “The Bard”. The treatment they wanted was for it be, sonically, a little “like a rock concert” and Wai delivers with a minimalistic style that detracts nothing from the dialog or the players themselves. The set is also sparse, in keeping with the whole minimal approach, Costumes are largely simple, avoiding the tendency towards period garb, theres not a pair of tights, toga or a ruff among them. The Simplicity of the set, wardrobe and stage dressing and an overall shift of focus away from gimmicks and effects is refreshing and allows the actors to act and the story to breathe. The lighting is tasteful, flashing dramatic for emphasis now and then but largely doing the simple (But eloquent and effective) job of lighting the players, so they may best tell their story.
The exceptions to this rule are the real highlights, Pip clearly has a genius for contrast and for allowing for dynamic tension to keep things chugging along. The sequence where the character Tamora, along with her two sons Demetrius and Chiron attempt to excite Titus’ madness with the spectres of Revenge, Rapine and Murder, for example, is particularly dreamlike and departs from the simplicity of the plays wardrobe in spectacular fashion. You will have to see it for yourself, I’m no “spoiler alert” type of character, after all, but fans of The Free Lunch may well find something familiar in the offing. Likewise, the lighting effects that occur during the plays’ 14 brutal deaths are bold and dramatic, reminiscent of avant garde horror films like Suspiria (1977, Directed by Dario Argento) and tie in beautifully with the soundtrack and the themes that the Bard chose to tackle here. In my humble and novice opinion, the mother of all slashers, a masterpiece of Horror to match anything the silver screen has had to offer since or even the great Edgar Allen Poe or H,P Lovecraft. In fact, one can easily see how this play may well be the birthplace of the Modern Horror Genre. The twists and plot features repeat again and again in popular fiction. Of particular interest and note are the details of the meal during the “Banquet Scene” at the end, a master stroke from the greatest story teller yet to grace our humble species since Homer himself. A fantastic vision of a singular tale and delivered in the only fashion that befits a Black Box Theatre like The Meteor by those who know it and love it best, no less. You get the sense that the topics dealt with are taken seriously, for they are serious topics… Duty, Family, Rape, Revenge, Betrayal, Duplicity, Madness and Grief, Sorrow and, of course, Murder and Death.
The principal characters are wonderfully realised by a dream cast for this production. Alec Forbes, Mark Houlahan, Maria Jane Eaton, Adrian Holroyd, Benny Marama and Carl Watkins are some of the finest Shakespearean players I have had the pleasure to see grace the stage. In fact the only other player missing to complete an almost perfect cast was only absent due to her place in the Directors chair! Although it must be said that she has already once played the character of Lavinia when the play was last presented in Hamilton, 13 or so years ago. I can only assume that Pip has been cultivating this production for at least the decade-plus since the last time, a true determination of vision. A concise and fluent interpretation that manages to marry Shakespeare with modern cinematic sensibilities whilst maintaining the essential tone of the work. Bravo Pip!
It was a pleasant change to see a cast I am more familiar seeing tackling the joviality of the comedies, in much more serious roles. Adrian Holroyd (droid) and Mark Houlahan are both consumate, solid performers and find themselves each holding things down like props on opposing sides of a scrum, providing backbone to a cast of crazies, hell bent on killing each other and everyone else. Droid plays Marcus Andronicus, brother to Titus and Tribune of the People of Rome, with an air of quiet strength and dignity until the end. Houlahan, plays the cruel Saturnius, who soon rises to become Emperor over his brother, Bassianus and, the peoples preferred choice, Titus himself. Maria Jane Eaton is a perfect angel of vindictiveness, feminine wiles and vicious scheming. She plays Tamora, The Queen of the Goths with unflinching dedication to the role, as sensuous as she is deranged and bent on revenge, cunning and spiteful to a tee. Perfectly cast. In the role of Titus we find Alec Forbes. Alec is a statesman of local performing arts, an ambassador of the theatre crowd and the bohemian set alike here in the Tron, he is the one constant which many of us, including yours truly (in all earnestness) admire as a performer and as an artist. He is the man who’s opinion probably matters the least and yet means the most. He seems more at home inside Shakespeares words than not and his transparency as a performer makes him ideal for the enigmatic Titus, one moment bold and true champion of Rome, another a broken and pitiful wreck of mental health decline and hopeless misery, as pitiful in his grief as he is glorious in his wrath and resolve. The message seems to be simple; “See what a man will become when you push him past any reasonable limits?”
The Plot develops at pace and quickly becomes complicated and convoluted as all of the main characters seem to have valid grievances against one another, setting up the most glorious of denouements. The dialog is easy to follow however and delivered with clarity and of a pace to keep things interesting. Its a great show! As to what becomes of Titus, you will have to see for yourself.
The other really stand out character for me, reminded me of Mercurio from Romeo and Juliet, in that it seems to be a dream role, a once in a lifetime part that only a few can really pull off with any real flair. Like Tim Currys’ stunning rendition of “Frank N Furter”, Benny Marama plays what I can only imagine is the quintessential “Arron The Moor”. A lovable rogue, who could almost spare the entire cast of characters from their fates but for his “unfortunate personality” (as my mum used to say) and his perfectly executed plans for revenge. Although, one can never really be sure who he wants revenge on… I get the sense that he is angry at people in general and that he is a Bad Egg, destined to be the cause of suffering no matter where he finds himself in life. A Starcrossed Hater, if you will… He delivers the defining monologue of the play (for me anyway) in which he sums up a life worth of bad deeds, unrepentantly as if his own evil is his one virtue. A true Badass, my kind of guy…
“Tut, I have done a thousand dreadful things
As willingly as one would kill a fly;
And nothing grieves me heartily indeed
But that I cannot do ten thousand more.”
This character is the one upon which the whole tale rests, this is our anti-hero… our Jason, Our Freddy Kruegger, our Vic Vega/Mr Blonde… A memorable performance bound to inspire others to perhaps rediscover this play in another 13 years. Or at the very least to gain him even further opportunities to shine.
There are other deeds, other characters and other scenes perhaps more moving that the few I have touched upon, there is true horror and moments of pure evil but rest assured that everyone gets whats coming to them, in true Tarantino style…
To say more would spoil the fun for you. Go to see this play if you have the wit to treat yourself to fine things. You will not regret it. Particularly if you have a taste for villainy and ill deeds… I leave you with the final utterance of Arron The Moor…

If one good deed in all my life I did/I do repent it from my very soul

By Anon Theatergoer

Screen Printing and Bedbound

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(Photo: Liquid Design)

It sure is raining here in the brutal bottleneck of boredom. When I was at primary school we had to do descriptive writing about the weather every morning. I know about 500 words for “Inclement”, that’s the only kind of weather we really get in Invercargill. I managed to convince Dayna that “Invercargill” is pronounced “Invacado” last night, ahhh the joys of being a grandparent. I just finished talking to Josh FFF on facebook and he is doing a feature on the new music I have been doing and playlisting it today. There is a groundswell here, in Aotearoa. I am not real sure that its a new thing or its just because I was asleep for a few years but people are definitely more productive, involved and industrious in the arts than they have been for a while. I know that things all move in cycles. My very first original tune spoke about this. I remember sitting at my bedroom window, maybe 14 or 15 years old, playing Aminor, Dminor and Eminor to the words “Things all move in cycles, the sun, the moon, the stars, the earth, people move like all else…” blah blah blah. It became a Jahna song 5 years later. If I could’ve told that boy that he would still be sitting in the bedroom window dreaming, 25 years later (give or take), I think he might’ve been a bit more comfy in his skin, less fearful. It’s ok, he got here in the end.

I still feel an urge to address the things inside my heart. I am determined to do it with songs now. I feel like it was completely unfair of me to drag my lovers and my friends into the frame via this blog. The decision to delete 6 months worth of writing was a good one. It all exists as documents but I doubt I will ever have the courage to revisit it… Here’s the thing. We all have secrets. We all expose ourselves gradually to each other. None of us tell the whole story all at once, we open up slowly, like flowers in the sun. As we trust more, we divulge our secrets, our fears, our hopes and our ideals. Should we be quick to judge or assume things about each other then we do so at our peril. However, sometimes we must just accept that perhaps people are exactly what they say, no more, no less. Me, for instance. I am an artist. I wake up each morning and create. I do not plan, I do not really know what the date is or even what day of the week it is sometimes. I truly could not tell you my age with any certainty. 42, 43 or 44 I think. One of them. That doesn’t bother me anymore. I see now that most men only really come into their prime around this age. Imagine that Kurt, Jim, my mate Lee and so many others never really even got to reach their stride and look at the amazing things they accomplished. There is always hope, dearest reader.

So, lets talk about DUB. Bob Marley was a cool dude. No doubt about it. But there is much contradiction and falsehood attached to the myth of him. Dub seems to sidestep the cult of personality, almost as a rule. Dub is not concerned with trends, individuals or celebrity. Bob was a celebrity, any way you want to cut it. Don’t get me wrong, not for one moment. He is responsible for so much. My earliest memories are of my love for this man and his friends and the music they made. Look at my country! He is as much a historical figure here as any tangata whenua. He is like an unofficial rangatira, heh, with more integrity and mana than any I can think of off the top of my head.. Well, Norm Kirk, Api Ngata, Witi Ihimaera, Zed Brookes and Jase Kerrison aside. Dub, however, is not Reggae. Dub is humble where reggae is brash. Dub is meditative where Reggae is demonstrative and Dub innovates where Reggae instigates. I do not make Reggae music, I never have. I’m not so sure that Dub is a Rasta art either. Lee Perry makes that real clear. He fucken burned the Black Ark down rather than let the Rastafarians taint it. I love that. Dub is single handedly responsible for pretty much everything that isn’t Rock, orchestral or folk/world music and a large chunk of what is. Pink Floyd is arguably a great Dub band, even Led Zep have some moments, Punk is Dub as fuck. The first thing Johnny Rotten does after the pistols is start PiL, one of the great English Dub bands. HipHop is a direct descendant of “Toasting” and The Dancehall led to Drum and Bass and all kinds of Techno, right up to the Dubstep revolution and all the best bits of contemporary pop. Listen to Twenty One Pilots, away from the singles and you will pretty quickly realise how much of an influence dub is on them. Sublime are a great example of the evolution of Dub… They were (ARE) Blues, Punk, Rock, HipHop, Jazz, Ska and House all rolled into one sweaty, semi naked posse of glorious. Aphex Twin… say no more…

I think the thing I like about dub is that, at its foundation, it is the art of production. The Grandaddy of Dub, King Tubby, was basically a studio producer with a love of gadgets and how they could manipulate sound. He transformed music, elevated what was already there. His background in electronics is one of the great accidents of Rock mythology. Legend has it that they would import all kinds of weird and wonderful audio effects and devices, pull them apart and rewire them to see what would happen or because they weren’t really doing ENOUGH out of the box. That’s me right there, that’s an 8 year old kid setting up a couple of Tape decks and wiring them up to create loops and feedback effects, weird and wonderful tape recordings of pure madness! I wish I had those tapes! Google the phrase “Montage Of Heck” for an example of why I’m not alone in my peculiarities… I see Vader and Awhi doing the same things with “Photobooth” and Skypes’ video message functions.

So Tubby, Lee “Scratch” Perry, The Scientist and a few others were the first creators of Dub. They took recordings of bands, sometimes multitracked, sometimes not and manipulated the sounds with delays, reverbs and eventually samples. They took instrumental tracks, without the lead vocals and had furious and artful wordsmiths brag, bluster and bruise over the top… Drenched in tacky reverbs, way over stressed delay units, overdriven phasers and chorus effects. They created an artform of what had become a pretty sedate and safe industry; production. By the time this was all happening, the record industry had sort of coagulated and production principles seemed to be stagnating to all hell, the record companies had placed the producer on a pedestal and guarded those secrets like masons, culminating in decades of shit that all sounded the same. No wonder Reggae and Dub swept the world as it has!

King Tubbys Meets Rockers Uptown is a fantastic example of the whole process. A fairly straight forward recording situation being mangled beyond all reason into something glorious and lasting. I get excited talking about it but please don’t get the idea that I’m an expert, I’m not. Despite being surrounded by Dub from birth, I only really discovered it a few years ago. I’m not even sure how, I just happened upon a few documentaries at a time when the music I was making myself seemed to be tending towards a definite skank. Mind every single pun in there. Sorry. Sort of. So even though its new to me, Dub has been cranking out that fantastic sound ever since. Soundsystems and Dub groups, producers and D.Js have been making Dub in Aotearoa for decades and are some of our most enduring, consistent and truthful artists. Fat Freddys, Salmonella Dub the two most obvious but certainly not the only ones, a whole sub culture grew up around this stuff in the 90s and only got bigger and bigger as Dance music carried on its trajectory away from Pop. These days you wouldn’t even recognise our most accomplished music makers if you met them on the street, they aren’t at the grammys or even the tuis probably, they are probably in Goa or Detroit or Ibiza or Paris. Point is, Dub is unstoppable and unconcerned with anything but the groove and connecting with the heart of the listener. Lee Perry describes it like this.. The Bass is the Brain and the Drum is the heart, the rest is Dub.

I feel blessed to be a part of this family. I feel truly fortunate to not only have the talents to make the music but also to have the tools and the knowledge to create the Dubs from the music I make. It is a two step process and I think its rare to find people doing both. I have been trying to craft a kind of Dub/Trance/Psychedelic sound of my own. It is music for dancing, it is music for taking drugs, it is music for making love, making art and making friends. It changes the world and has been shaping a better one for 5 decades.

Wow. Where did that come from aye? Not my normal morning whinge-fest! So, now Im going to go back into the lab and get back to work. I picked up my bass from the venue last night so now I have some work to catch up on. Josh is a fucken cool dude man. The first time I met him he came around to my flat to pick up some gear they were borrowing for Kiwiburn. We sat and talked for an hour or so and listened to Dark Side of The Moon and then they bailed. Afterwards my flatmate commented that I have great friends and I told him that I’d never set eyes on that guy before in my life. He was shocked. From the way we interacted, he thought we’d known each other our whole lives! That’s the impression I get of Josh, he is a love factory, pumping it out into the atmosphere like a forest gives off oxygen or like Dub oozes basslines! He lives fiercely and fearlessly and he is a brother in that he has lived a life dedicated to art, music and love without deviation or doubt.

Life is about cycles. To live is to die. Cold hard comfort but comfort nonetheless. I miss my Nan, I miss my Grandma and I miss my Mama but I am here, my Dad is here, my brother is here, my Kids are here and their mamas are here too. Cathy is here and there is always cheese, for when shit gets real grim. Take heart, gentle reader, for every downbeat, there is an upshot, for every uptown girl, there is an ugly boy and for every midnight there is a sunrise waiting patiently behind it… xxx Mark Edward Te Haupa Tupuhi (marshall mathers fan and dairy enthusiast)

“Daisies Of The Galaxy”

Take heart, my little friend
And push back your seat
Soon we’ll be far away
Far from the street
Where you learned how to be
Not what you are

Up on the shoulder
There is a town
With a little motel
And an old movie house
We’ll go to a movie
Whatever it is

Watching the movie
The world’s gonna end
And there ain’t a place for
A boy and his friend
To go

I’ll pick some daisies
From the flower bed
Of the galaxy theater
While you clear your head
I thought some daisies
Might cheer you up

Shaking Hands With Lightning

sublime

Good Morning Darlings! Fuck it’s foggy here in suburban squalor. I’ve had some heavy thoughts lately. It’s time to stop drinking. It was necessary while I was (Heavily Edited), but now I think I can safely take the bandages off. It don’t hurt so much and I feel pretty comfy with how things are now. I’m putting things back together and so I need a clearer head and the ability to drive after, say, 11am, something I haven’t really been capable of much lately. So I’m gonna have a go at a couple of sober days and see if I can do it, if not its back to the “Antabuse” for a while. No biggy. I feel kinda pleased that I can make these decisions without prompting or chaos. I swear that I am actually, finally, growing.

My little friend Regan was doing the “22 pressups for 22 days for suicide awareness”. He and I have a pretty close relationship with the old “Sideways Maneuver”, and so as I watched his final video I felt compelled to act on it myself. Not suicide, the press ups thing…  I’ll give it some thought, I’m not sure I could do 22 pushups… So yesterday I came across a situation where someone had read some alarming things about my past and was looking like they might pull the plug on our endeavors. Fuck man. I thought it was a necessary part of being a rock star to kick out… I never seriously considered that A) anyone would pay much attention, and B) I’d live long enough to have to reconsider, recant or regret the things I said and did in my 20s and 30s. Seems we both did. Aye? Fuck.

I am pleasantly surprised to find myself happy and productive. I really didn’t think I’d come through this in one piece. I was thinking this morning, as the coffee machine built up steam, that, for the first time in years and years, I need a wardrobe because I am now going out more times than my current wardrobe can cope with and I am fast becoming the guy who always wears the same clothes… a scruffy old jacket, hum t-shirt, ripped up jeans and chucks.Pretty manky, especially when folks see me still wearing it a week later! ha ha ha. Dont worry, I change my socks and shorts…. the rest tho… why bother? Well… you see how this might come as a revelation.

I am pretty disgusted to find that people have changed their tune on the Rio Olympics.  I realise that humanity needs things like the Olympics if we are to remain optimistic and hopeful but that city seems so rife with human rights atrocities that it beggars belief that we can soak up the gloss and glamour of the TV screen without truly appreciating the enormity of the irony taking place. Hey man I am not saying I know what to do about it, just… fuck, I dunno. I’m listening to sublime this morning. Every now and then, in my life as a drug user, I come across a pharmaceutical that suits my needs and actually ends up tasting like it might actually be useful. I gobbled down a handful of “Concert Alza 27” a synthetic stimulant type of speed used for ADHD treatment and fuck me if it didnt leave me clear headed, useful and happy, as opposed to “Mother Fucked” (which is what I was actually going for). In this situation I always have the briefest thought of asking a Dr if I might be suitable for this stuff and then I remember the looks that those people give me when I ask questions like that… Dichotomy is a fine, fine word.

So, this fog isnt lifting so I might as well crank the amps up and get some work done. Dayna is coming tonight for our weekly “”Cheesefest”! I wonder what she will want to cook tonight! I set aside a little of my income for this purpose. We wander up to the fruit and vege shop and construct a meal based around the three food groups… Carbs, Cheese and Olive Oil. I guess Garlic and Paprika should be in there too somewhere…

I wrote it all down the other night. ALL of it from beginning to end. I intended to post it here and clear my ratty name but I don’t feel like i need to now. It’s all over now, baby blue, as the man said. Time for the next chapter I guess. Life is good. I feel, well, actually, I feel scared, sad, fearful, anxious and dread. Thats what I feel ALL the time, but alongside that, I feel happy and hopeful, in the spaces between… and thats all we can hope for, I reckon.

Peace, love and uncontrollable ecstasy, rocking you to the core and fucking up the sheets… or whatever.

 

CardioFarce

Here’s a recording of us practicing for Saturday night. Its pretty much exactly how we planned to sound but with less of my balls on display and more of Khloes memory intact. A really cool night. I remember going behind the curtain before we played and thinking…. “What now…?” After that I smeared greasepaint over half of my face, untied my dreads, put my sunnies on and stepped out on stage. The first thing I did was walk over to the fancy marshall bass amp that everyone had been told not to fuck with, wind the treble and mids all the way down, the bass and the volume all the way up. The second thing I did was  remove my pants while a pretty young lady strapped me into a tutu… The third thing I did was destroy the confidence and self esteem of every bass player in Hamilton… Not a bad nights work, if I do say so myself.

Dank

Dank is the name I want to use as a stagename or band name for my new EDM stuff. The music is great but Im waiting for it to develop a vocal style. I keep hoping to attract vocalists. The ones I have in mind are great but they are like the other people in my life in that they only show up once or twice a year, get what they need and fuck off again. Ooooh man, I dont wanna start the day like this… hang on….

A lot of the hope and forward momentum I experienced over the last year had a lot to do with 3 things. Love, Money and Drugs. A combination of all three can be a real nice place to live and I had it all there, for a moment. Not to say for one moment that I am not loved. But the money and the drugs can be hard things to round up on a monday morning. I am finding masturbation problematic. I end up with sadness. Simply because of the images my mind conjures for me. They are blissful, amazing, daring and the stuff dreams are forged from but they cannot be and therefore there is great sadness attached to them, after a sticky end. I once had such love for a woman that I very rarely came inside her, prefering to save it in case she wanted more, in a while, which she usually did. It was amazing. They once said to me “I think you are the perfect person for me to finally try something I have always wanted to try”. A simpler man would have instantly thought of “Anal”, not me, my mind boggled over that one until she told me. So…. now I can hold it, when I want to. Sex is problematic. A guy once told me that sex is like when you stick two bits of paper together and then rip them apart, bits of each side of the paper remain glued to the other bit and if you glue yourself to too many people there isnt much left of your soul. Me, I think that sex is two things. Sex and Making love. They are almost as far apart as kisses and blowjobs. Speaking off which… I love oral sex. I will hit that all day, truly.

Well, I would.

If required.

Bah, this kind of morning leads to drinking, I know it does! So its 7:49 but my flatmates are up so Im gonna go turn all the gear on. I stole some pills from my friend the other night. I was afraid she was gonna take them, and it seemed to me that she had had enough. So… I got a whole nights sleep last night. I feel so much better. Yesterday I had my first real hangover in years. Dry mouth, achey head, remorse, all the good stuff. I never get those. The true measure of it was the beer sitting on the table, leftover. Normally Id skull that fucker down for brekkie and kiss that hangover goodbye but I couldnt even face that. Water and cuddles and fruit seemed to be the cure. I have fuck all on this week, so Im gonna do.

I have no great wisdom. All I know is that you wake up and you approach the day with integrity. If you cant then you go back to bed until you can. Simple.

Pants and Curtains, fountains top.

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Well, fuck, I hate to admit it but I feel happy. This has been a hell of a week and yet I find myself feeling content, accomplished and, yep, happy. There’s this huge part of me that fears and resents it, that drags it’s heels… “But…” it says, “if we become happy then we must let go of stuff, and then where will we be?”. Well, we will be happy, for a start… Fucker. There has been a lot of romantic argy bargy lately and I found that, in the end, I simply gave up, decided to focus on myself and leave the other peoples feelings and thoughts where they should be… none of my business. Suddenly I don’t feel weighed down by responsibility and suddenly the people I love benefit from the joy I feel, the argy bargy begins to cease and things go smoothly…. Well… smoothly-er… anyway…
The desire to remain broken, aching and lost comes from the refusal to let go of loss and lemons and grief, as if somehow holding on will rectify things, create something from nothing, conjure the ghosts of the past. In doing so I not only perpetuate the fucking thing I’m running from but I also destroy any chance for the now to be a happy, productive and good place. So, I have been working hard at being more present, responsible but also free from the voices that normally cause me to doubt, judge myself or fear. I find that the less I care what other people think about me, the happier I am. I know, I know, I know its a simple thing, much like the other lesson about sacrificing the present for the past, but sometimes the simplest lessons can take the longest to learn… Those pennies drop slowly, in time lapse, dig?
Yesterday was pretty amazing. The Meteor cake stall was a really lovely community vibe, I watched a little video clip of it just before and the warm fuzzies it gave me were awesome… all of these wonderful and talented and positive people working together for a common goal. Same thing again last night at the Hamilton Underground Press gig that we played at. I know I say it a lot but I love that we have started bringing out kids to these things. Lott and Solomon were there as well as the Awhi and Vader show. We went to the fountain up at Garden Place in between bands. I love seeing Vader happy, he spins like a dynamo, shearing off great gouts and slices of joy like how I imagine one of Mr Teslas great energy machines might look in zero gravity. To see him revel in the love of his family and the company of his loved ones is to truly see someones soul shine. He is an amazing creature. His big sister is no different either, a pure soul, unfettered by grief or doubt. I had a great time on stage yesterday too. I feel so free, musically. Why did I persist with the whole “Singer-Songwriter” thing for so long? I just want to make music. I am truly at peace inside of that. I was going to do some yoga today. I’ve taken a lot of drugs and drunk a lot of piss this week and I thought my heart could do with some gentle unravelling but I wonder if I could just make some fat psy-dub and achieve the same level of stillness? Heh, I can always do both.
I’m getting my head around the notion that I can go out, get a little irie or tight or lit and not have it be a catastrophe. I saw a friend dancing real close to catastrophe last night and it reminded me that there aren’t really any safe options. The tamest and most low key affair can become a maelstrom of regret and consequences in the blink of an eye and so I treasure this new freedom. I do not need to get obliterated the way I did before. Its dangerous and it demands vigilance but I feel far away from chaos. A lot of it has to do with the company I keep. If Kim and I go out then we keep an eye on each other, if I am with the kids then I moderate, not as much as you might, but I do. That’s what Taxis are for, aye bro?
I think I am doing well. I honestly never expected to be back here. Where I am. I aint complaining, bemused and pleasantly surprised. Life can be good. Fuck man, and just like that a wave of fear and doubt, hurt and grief sprinkles its salty sideways smile at me from the depths of my heart. As if to say… “Who the fuck are you kidding bro?”. So on that note I will sign off and get started on the work I had lined up this afternoon. Bass tracks for the moofish… I am in a couple of really great bands. Jahna for a start, NMB and Cardio Farce, Runt and The NEW DYLANS. Things are really picking up again. What a long winter aye? It reminds me of any number of “Counting Crows” songs. I can’t listen to them at the moment. Particularly “Angels Of The Silences”, that mother fucker tears me a ragged gaping hole in the chest every single time. I suppose its supposed to, huh? I have CDs if you want one. I’ll even pop them in the mail so you don’t have to speak to me.I owe a debt for this growth. I did not do it alone. I had encouragement and guidance, it pains me that I cant share it. For now. Life is good. So hard to hold on to that one.

Tea Tea and Coffee

“You’re So Great”

Sad drunk and poorly
Sleep in really late
Sad drunk and poorly
Not feeling so great
Wandering lost in a town full of frowns
Sad drunk and poorly
Dogs digging up the ground

[Chorus]
And I feel the light in the night and in the day
And I feel the light
When the sky’s just mud and grey
And I feel the night when you tell me it’s OK
Coz you’re so great and I love you

Tea, tea and coffee
Helps to start the day
Tea, tea and coffee
Shaking all the way
City’s alive, a surprise so am I
Tea, tea and coffee, get no sleep today

[repeat chorus]

Well, at least I’m cured of giving CDs to strangers. I saw this guy who looked really sad yesterday, up at the bus stop. He reminded me of a bright, colourful cartoon with all the colours turned down and time warped back to 1957. All I had was one of my new CDs inside my uke case, a half packet of cigs and a pocket full of goldies. I wanted to give him a cd and tell him I thought he looked sad. But look what happened last time I reached out to a strange creature on the street? Fucking carnage. No. I’m limping through life. I mostly just want to be in bed. I have eaten 12 steak pies since tuesday. When the kids down at the vegetarian club find out, I’m fucking out! I dunno why I did that, I feel sick and horrid. I just want comfort. The beer aint giving it to me. I cant masturbate coz it just brings tears at the end, the drugs are never enough and theres never any coin for weed. Mushies, as I said the other day, are unsustainable, they were never meant to be a regular gig, just a touch and then saved for summer. I like how I keep pulling them out of the freezer, taking them out for a walk and then popping them back in. Not a real safe course of action for a member of the criminal class but still… “Be Prepared” as sir Baden Powell suggested.
The music is great. Thats the pay off isnt it? Pain and suffering and turbulence can equal composition, the lovely and enigmatic Emma Paki taught me that, my friend. Its interesting, the people i relate most to are the kinds of people that dont tend to make attachments, we love briefly and passionately and then we drift off into our own adventures. Please dont think I mean to allude that Emma and I were lovers, we were not, just mates. I needed so badly to learn how to do that. In every other case I have been successful. In fact I have managed, this past year or three, to keep my cock to myself and the person I am with. It was a hard lesson to learn but one long overdue. The problem, of course, comes from uncertainty. I wonder if I could be fucking anyone I want to today or if my heart is still spoken for. I do not really understand. Life is confusing and dreadful.
I have been trying to make friends again. I reached out last night. Pretty funny really. Whilst I was walking up to the bus stop at the uni, to find that I couldnt afford the trip, the invite was rescinded. “Running out of steam” I reckon that meant, “Ah we’ve talked it over and we don’t really want you here pal, you’re a cunt when you drink and smoke weed”. Pretty much. Fuck I have been fucking shucked off so many times in the last month or two. Its gotten to the point where I have stopped planning anything because when I ask people if they wanna do stuff, the cunts inevitably bail on me, usually at the last minute. Its ironic as fuck, its karmic and its justice, Fuck mark, hes a cunt.
Jeez I’m a fucking sad-sack. I better go get some drugs. Hey man, look on the brightside! One less reason to shower!
Woo!
Life is good!
Mark (Party Pooper and all round bad egg, REALLY bad egg.)

Love is…

Music is magical. I understand it, completely. I sense when it is true and I quail when it is bullshit. It rings with the clarity of crystal or pure water. It hides nothing, ever. It dances free without any kind of shame or fear, like a flame dances in the air that feeds it or like a breeze plays upon the air currents that caress it. Music is the source. When I am without it I wither and I fail. Though I founder and languish today, without friends, a lover or even allies of any real conviction, I know that I can reach over and wind up the volume, love will spring forth from the speakers. It’s not like the love of a woman or the love of a child but it can sustain me nonetheless. Fuck faithless lovers, fuck empty promises and broken vows of love. Fuck friends who fail and fuck people who judge on sight or on circumstantial, superficial falsehood. Music stands where all else falls.

I am whole, complete and do not need anything else. Its all here. You are too.

I close my eyes and I see the eye of the Buddha, a forearm and an empty bed. I am lost. Surely something has got to give.

Dumb

Well, I finally broke everything. I feel really sad but I guess I finally found a sort of rock bottom to perch on. I’m just gonna make music and be a dad and grandad for a while. Its what I should have been doing for the last 12 months. If I’d…. wait… fuck “If”, Fuck “If” up “If”s sorry ass. He he he. My sense of humor is in tact. Might have to get tattooed this week, this voucher is gonna expire unused otherwise. Hey I have new music. Its all at this address….

 

 

I have new music coming out of the studio about once every few days, I am working hard in that respect. Fuck, I’ve been working hard in many areas fruitlessly so I guess it doesn’t matter huh? Its pretty demoralising, when I look at my friends soundcloud page, her tracks have little “K”s after the numbers, like 21k etc… mine have 17, 3, 12, you know? I know that soundcloud only counts plays by registered users so maybe I could tell myself that thousands of people are streaming it from web players or something…. I’m nothing if I’m not delusional. Having said that, it’s not like Im real big on self promotion. I post the music here and on fuckfacebook and so those 12s and 15s represent the friends I have pretty accurately. I am not complaining. I watch the stats and there is interest from all over the world some days, I like the idea of people in France or Spain listening to the muddy swamp dub of hillcrest. Lately I have had some cool developments, a couple of people have asked to use the new stuff for film projects and also for music behind ads, soundbeds. I always liked the idea that it is meditative music, ambient but with a very strong bottom end. I imagine it on in the background while people burn incense and smoke cones. Shaggy dancing, slow and languid. That’s the music I make. Heavy messing, thrice prescribed and dexterous. Music for shapes. I have had band practices this week. This morning was really hard. It was pretty obvious I’d been crying and to their credit, my friends said nothing. I ate a whole pack of “eskimos”, which I was saving for me and dayna to make “Lolly Cake” with. Love is fucked. There are all kinds of it and the only way to judge it is by actions. Mine have been truly fucked lately. Love is a Verb, says the song, and lately it would seem that I dont really know the meaning of the word. I have such remorse and guilt and fear, doubt, shame and yet a fierce sense of being allowed to love more than one person, in more than one way. I dont feel bad for that but I feel bad nonetheless. I simply want for the people I love to be happy. If that is, then I will be. I cant force anyone to be anything but that goes both ways. Heh, sorry, thinking out loud.

The path to self is fraught with peril and danger, disaster and the risk of heartbreak at every corner yet, still, I think its entirely worth it. If not for the children, then for the memories. I can hardly believe that I still put faith in the idea of Love. But I do. Still. Foolish? Maybe.

Probably.

actually.

xxxm

P.S – I’m changing my name to Martin, moving to the islands… Going to make a living from breeding mice and headlice. A sort of “Vermin-Monger”, come visit… we’ll eat coriander and smoke blunts.

 

Bulls on Parade

I was thinking, last night, that I might be a lot happier if I can just embrace my darkness. I seem to be trapped in this fucking dichotomy of striving to be something good and true but inhabiting the life of a scumbag. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything truly evil, well, not mindfully or with intent. I have done some terrible things in my life but I have never approached them purposefully, they almost seem to have happened as a matter of course, split second decisions that have echoed through lives like broken glass or the “Extinction Level Events” that Busta Rhymes talks about… Those bombs they let off in Japan, for example, they echoed down through the years like the nasty, cheap delay units of the 80s, purely evil, yet purely human too. So why not embrace it?
Hamilton is beset with a foggy grey humour today. Nothing is stirring, as if the people are too cold, too beat down by the drudge to be fucked. Perhaps they are all embracing their inner shadows too. Perhaps they are all milling over their weatbix or porridge or meth pipes, sucking those last few minutes of sanctuary up before they hit the streets and run the maze. Not me. Fuck that. The maze I run may well be no better or worse than theirs but where theirs has a filthy shit smeared dollar at the end of it, mine has love. Very different, but no less a maze devised to ensnare and frustrate.
So I watched this video clip this morning, here let me give you a minute to watch it and I will go out and smoke…

Why did that make me cry? I think its because I felt hope, hope that the next generation isn’t as fucking sedate and safe and bored as they seem. If the kids can tap into Rage then all hope is not lost. Its a shame, if all of the shit happening around the place took place in the 90s we would have burned cops in the street… Nope, we were too busy with Exstasy and festivals and Play Station. Its as if the spirit of the sixties broke itself in half and gave the music to one generation and the struggle to another. Check out that swagger man! Those people are angry as fuck, with style! I love RATM, I guess thats why I weep a little, I felt … what? Patriotic? Thats not the word… thats the opposite, no I felt synergy.
How can a man who weeps openly over a bunch of kids playing a rock song truly embrace darkness?
Fuck man, life is confusing. I’ll be in my room.

Enter The Ninja

Ok, my little swanky wankers, lets get it on… like we newst to…
Urgh. So where were we? Oh yup, walking out the door with the Mandolin… well, I took the Uke for a stroll in the moonlight instead. Half a ritalin and a nice pineapplely spliff, two dodgy australian beers (The nasty blue ones @ $9.99) and I went for a wander around the neighbourhood. Hillcrest is beautiful at night, theres that cool park tucked away on Masters Ave, for a start, I sat in there for half an hour just coming up with some nice changes. Then I headed up over the hill and wandered around the uni for a while. I sat by the little amphitheater thing near the lake and constructed a rude arrangement and then I went up in among the big humanities and science buildings, hunting for nice acoustics. I found a couple of spots that were simply fantastic. I had this vague stoner notion to go home and get some recording gear but sometimes a song just needs to just inhabit the world without any fucking around, it felt that way anyway. I always find it bizarre when I do this, what do people make of it? It must be quite strange to stumble across someone like me, doing what I do… It probably sounds nice for the most part but I think it could sound a bit mental when Im working shit out or when my fingers wont do what I tell them. The funniest bit was when I found this cool little alcove that seemed to act like a speaker cone for the big spaces outside the library and the big IJK lecture block. There were these security guys who could smell pot and hear the music but couldn’t quite work it out. I was home and hosed by 1am, no drama, theres enough of that already. I did steal a sign from a construction site but what can I say? it appealed to my sense of humour. I had a vague inclination to take all these road cones and tape that I found and block off the big management school carparks, for a lark, but I was kinda fucked when I got back over this side, cold and hungry and sober. No harm left in me. I’m glad I left the mushies at home. Not that mushies are bad but when you twist em up with ritalin the trip goes fucken sideways and you greet the dawn as a madman.
I’m listening to prince. Scholars will pour over these lyrics for centuries. I hope. So much innuendo, so much poetry… “In through the out door”, indeed. I know I said I’d stop blogging but theres not much point now. I fucked up. Real bad. Might as well just carry on now, in for a penny… etc. Its pretty ironic. I was finally coming to grips with things this weekend. I decided to approach this week with more focus, more motivation. Then all hell broke loose. Im a fucken moron.
I might come back later. I’m gonna listen to Die Antwoord for a while and see if I can make sense of it. It reminds me of all the shit I hated about Redfoo and LMFAO but people really like it so maybe I need to dig a bit deeper… but its so fucken base. As opposed to bass. Its definitely funny, but is it helpful or useful? Does it lift us up or does it dumb us the fuck down? You tell me what you think. I dunno, its the heavy house end of hiphop and I kinda live down in the dub range, its about 100 bpm more than I like to live with. Still, I’m fucken ZEF as fuck… ’bout you?
So, new music. I’m burning the new stuff onto 20 disks and I’m gonna sell them (ha ha ha) on saturday morning at the Meteor fundraiser. Its a curious blend of Dub and Psy Trance. I think its Psybient Dub but I never got into those genre things. I think you have to be going out and listening to this stuff live to really understand the genres and I just do it in my fucken room at the moment. I’m doing a solo set on sat tho…. woo. I love the bass when it rattles my balls. Speaking of which…
Listen. I’m not anything special. I just get up every day and try to be good. I try to be true. True to you and true to the kids and true to my art and true to myself. Otherwise I am a fucking ramshackle mess. I don’t plan anything, I don’t know what the date is or anything like that. I’m not like those robots. I am glad I am not like them but I also need you to understand that I do not fucken operate like you do. I never fucking will. I will not apologise for the feelings I have. I will certainly own my mistakes and strive to be better, but I am a man, a real simple one and I aint any more or less than I claim to be. I’m worth the effort but I can’t force anyone to make it.
Im gonna make some dub music. Be Happy. For fucks sake.

Derp

IMG_20160814_113301

I love you. My heart beats for you and that is not likely to change. I’m sorry, I cant believe you guys were right there next to each other for 3 days and you couldn’t even say hi to each other, maybe we could’ve fixed some of this. I wasn’t much use huh? Fuck it was so good to see you, that first morning, when you smiled at me, that felt like all the good things I needed. I love you pretty lady, you are the missing piece of me and I can wait some more, if I have to. I bet its not even you that reads this dumb page. Oh well. I’m really proud of how cool you were, that must have been really hard. I love you for being so cool and calm. I stood and watched you dance for ages. This sucks hun. I love you xxx m Heres a song that says the shit I wish I could say to you.

I won’t let you down;
I will not give you up.
Gotta have some faith in the sound;
It’s the one good thing that I’ve got.
I won’t let you down,
So please don’t give me up,
Because I would really, really, love to stick around.
Heaven knows I was just a young boy,
Didn’t know what I wanted to be.
I was every little hungry schoolgirl’s pride and joy,
And I guess it was enough for me.
To win the race? A prettier face!
Brand new clothes and a big fat place;
On your rock and roll TV.
But, today, the way I play the game is not the same;
No way.
Think I’m gonna get myself happy.
I think there’s something you should know.
I think it’s time I told you so.
There’s something deep inside of me.
There’s someone else I’ve got to be.
Take back your picture in a frame.
Take back your singing in the rain.
I just hope you understand.
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man.
All we have to do, now,
Is take these lies and make them true somehow.
All we have to see
Is that I don’t belong to you,
And you don’t belong to me.
Freedom;
You’ve gotta give for what you take.
Freedom;
You’ve gotta give for what you take.
Heaven knows we sure had some fun, boy.
What a kick, just a buddy and me.
We had every big shot, good-time, band on the run, boy.
We were living in a fantasy.
We won the race.
Got out of the place.
I went back home, got a brand new face
For the boys on MTV,
But today the way I play the game has got to change.
Oh, yeah.
Now I’m gonna get myself happy.
I think there’s something you should know.
I think it’s time I stopped the show.
There’s something deep inside of me.
There’s someone I forgot to be.
Take back your picture in a frame.
Don’t think that I’ll be back again.
I just hope you understand .
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man.
All we have to do, now,
Is take these lies and make them true somehow.
All we have to see
Is that I don’t belong to you,
And you don’t belong to me.
Freedom;
You’ve gotta give for what you take.
Freedom;
You’ve gotta give for what you take.
Well it looks like the road to heaven,
But it feels like the road to hell.
When I knew which side my bread was buttered
I took the knife as well.
Posing for another picture.
Everybody’s got to sell,
But when you shake your ass
They notice fast,
And some mistakes were built to last.
That’s what you get,
I say, that’s what you get.
That’s what you get for changing your mind,
And after all this time
I just hope you understand,
Sometimes the clothes
Do not make the man.
I’ll hold on to my freedom.
May not be what you want from me.
Just the way it’s got to be.
Lose the face now.
I’ve got to live

Today I set up some instruments in the garden and worked on some music. Dayna joined me and played simple one or two finger arrangements on melodica. This week has been pretty cool for that sort of thing, awhi and I have been jamming a lot as well and it feels pretty amazing to make music with these people. For these people to find their own music is one of the great hopes of my life. I may have influenced them pretty strongly simply by being me but I have never pushed any of them. My love of music was always driven by my own love of it, I have always felt that I created it, fair and square. I like to think that I have allowed the kids to find their own passions so it brings me joy to see Dayna showing promise and to see awhi blossoming into a pretty nifty artist already.

A melodica is a curious instrument. It is mostly heard on really heavy Jamaican dub music, the real early stuff like Lee Perry and King Tubby. It is a handheld keyboard that contains a wind organ and you make it go by blowing into it and pressing the keys. There are lots of different kinds. Dayna is a natural plus she has rhythm, a thing sometimes missing when you try to teach kids to play. This morning she tracked three minutes of pretty passable dub melodica, at 6 years old. Pretty fucken awesome.

I’m not doing real good. I’m kinda in a pretty deep depression. I am just getting through every day the best I can. I seem to have time travelled back about five years… Spending each week alone, broke and drug fucked hoping for a few hours or a day with the people I love. I am terribly lonely. I know that loneliness probably means I lack something but I think that of all the mental shit I  possess, loneliness is the least you could judge me for. That’s probably it, I feel judged. Not only that but judged and dismissed as worthless. The worst part is that I still miss my friend, terribly, despite that. Life is confusing. Fuck I am so grateful for music. I have a place to retreat. A place to feel accepted and worthy, good and loved. A place to feel safe. Safe from hurt and harm, heartache and doubt. I’d be a fucking scumbag if I didn’t have this one last hope left. It doesn’t even matter that no one understands me anymore. I suppose that’s why I don’t even bother putting this shit out there anymore, I give up. I think that if I can just keep making music, that music can say more than a million pages like this. I dont believe that there is anyone else who truly knows the insides of my heart. To look into your lovers eyes and realise that they don’t really have a clue what’s going on inside you is a terrifying thing. It makes the universe echo like a great empty room.  Bah, tears. Fuck it, I’m gonna pretend to sleep for a few hours.

Thanks again, dearest reader, anonymous friend, silent watcher. Xxx m

Fearsome Engines

Wake and Shake.

So I got up early-ish and I am going to work today, I have some stuff to do that requires me to be present and functional and so I will do that. I’d planned to stay in bed, reading books that don’t inspire me anymore, dreaming of music that echoes, unheard, in my room and biting back tears that I cant quite justify. Everyone else seemed to get what they wanted. Except for me. Wahhhh, fucking crybaby! There is a passage in The Dhamapadda that discuses a man wasting his life “Sighing over the past” and I fear that that is what I will become if I do not make some radical change to how I am living, to how I am coping.

I was doing so well for a while, honestly I was. Fuck man, how come I have to pull everything down around my fucking ears? I think it has to do with expectations. I think it has to do with the people who I put my faith and trust in. I think it has to do with Karma and interdependence too but I know that that one, of all of them, is completely without color, it simply responds to the energy I bring to life. I Do not know how to change the way I am resonating today. My heart aches, I am lost and alone and I do not know how to reach out or how to ask for the things I need. I know, from experience, that days like this pass and that this feeling will go away but to be inside it is another thing altogether. It is hard. Plus, this coffee is cold and bitter. I liked my coffee when it had almond milk in it, I liked a lot of stuff. It was just a dream though. Nothing more. All inside my fucking mental head.

I think that my heart is too soft. I give everyone else what they need before I tend to my own. I will gladly bear this fucking ache as long as I can spare someone else it. I was wanking on about people abandoning me but I suppose I allow them to, huh? I probably even bring it about. I was thinking about this yesterday.  Time after time the effort and expectations I invest into the work get dashed simply by relying on others to meet my level of shing-shang. The work I have done for the last 12 months has actually ended up being for fuck all and I feel sad for that, some of it was good work. The Goth and Pixie project was intended to be a launchpad, you know? A little feature piece to say “hey this is what we can do”… I threw everything I had at it. Grr. So I have unpacked it again this week. I’m going to rework the tune and see if I can get someone to animate some of Wais drawings as a youtube clip or something. I am happy when I am busy, I am a better man when I am occupied creatively and I am of more use to the people I love when I am confident. Even the simple acts of creativity that I engage in with other people bring me closer to my own personal happy place. A living Nirvana.Fuck man, I really hope that this slump I am in is just winter. Perhaps I get suicidal every year at this time, perhaps its nothing to worry about… you know? I hope so.

So this guy goes “Are you a spiritual man?” and I say “well, some days I can engage with something more than me and some days I cannot, but I am definitely possessed of a spirit and so, in that sense, I am a spiritual man, man”. So then he sold me this big banner depicting Lord Shiva and and told me all about it. I struggle with the notion of religious merchandise but I love the aesthetic principals of Eastern religions and the calmness and sense of purpose the people have. I think, mostly I am attracted to the Tenets of Lord Krishna and story of The Buddha. They are peaceful notions, without too much (present) bloodshed or aspirations of control. Western Religion and the various factions of Islam, they are a little more aggressive, a little more prone to control and domination. I want to be a kind man. A loving Man. A thoughtful, meditative Man and a generous Man. If I focus on these things today, I will shake this dread, I will walk out the other side of this terrible sadness and I will, hopefully, have learned something.

I feel stuck. I do not wish to be unhappy any longer. I do not believe the answer is in medication.  I do not believe the answer is in music. I do not believe the answer is in Romance or Sex. The answer is inside the Love that I must cultivate for myself. Only when I love myself will anyone else be able to love me truly. Only when I love myself will the music I make resonate with others. Only when I love myself will I be a more useful and functional Father and only then also will I be a lover worthy of love in return. I am not certain that I am entirely bereft of self love. I think I have taken great strides in the last year or three but, obviously, there is room for improvement. And cheese.

I still feel yucky. I will act as if. I will go and play bass 😛 Peace, Love and Lost Property.

xm

 

Destrimonious

Daynaland

I love kids movies. I watch them all the time. Especially when I feel sad. My favourite is Kung Fu Panda (The first one) but I will watch anything. There is rarely any killing or bloodshed and there is usually an upbeat pop song mixed in to keep things light and harmonic. This is important, as Mike Meyers points out at the end of “The Cat in The Hat” when he introduces The Beatles. I find solace, comfort and pleasure immense in these films. I understand that film makers will often create wonders for grown ups that will conjure the will to change in us but more often than not, lately, I find that the film industry will err on the side of commerce and the “Block-buster” format rules supreme. Perhaps Im just still smarting from the terrible piece of shit that was “Suicide Squad”. People waited for decades for that franchise to make it to the silver screen… I can only hope that Hollywood never casts it’s caustic gaze upon Transmetropolitan… Fuck that hoary shit… never, please… They would probably cast “Bruce Willis” when anyone with half a brain can see that only Johnny Depp could do Spider… Right?
Today is a big day for us. Dayna and I have the day off school and we are going to a show, “Disney On Ice” or something equally… um… wonderful. Then The Big kids are going to see Seattle perform at the Theater tonight, Theres a buttload of stuff coming up for me to get involved with, so I’m pulling my finger out and making music in earnest. Next week sees me making music every day and then gigging right through next weekend. I have shows friday night, saturday morning and saturday night. No sign of Jahna, which is a shame, we were working towards an E.P but things have just gone silent. Haven’t had a reply from Lott or Peter in weeks, I assume they have given up. Its a shame, the “Cup Of Tea” song was really thumping, oh well, maybe when the weather comes back. I think, as I was explaining the other day, those guys were drawn to me when my stock was high but now Im not quite so shiny… It hurts but, to be honest, I am used to it… people abandon me, thats what people do. I, in turn, hold everyone in general contempt and walk through life alone, with a swagger, fuck it, fuck it all. I am working to get myself onto the bill at a festival in summer, My motives are pretty mental but my intentions are true. I don’t think many people make the kind of music i do, live. I think that mostly it happens in studios like mine and then people spin the vinyl. I think that what I do might not be as shitty as I think, if I can pull it off live, play all the instruments and embroider the whole thing with my awesome dance skills.
Where did my confidence go? Its bizarre, I barely recognise myself these days. I have no point of reference. It’s self esteem, its confidence and its grief. They call what I struggle with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but because it lacks the certainty and drama of Cancer and its way less cuddly than garden variety depression, it makes for a lonely and unspecified existence. I am fucken ugly when I am unwell, unlovable and despicable. Well, thats how I feel when I am not managing things, in reality I am probably just a sad little lump on the landscape of the world. A mass of blankets and pulled curtains, a closed shop, a blank tape. Well, as I was writing this I realised that I recorded the last Jahna rehearsal so I am mixing one of the songs (Actually, the one I mentioned) and now I feel a bit happier about things. We are watching “Mune”, it is a story drenched in dreams and mystical flights of imagination and it makes me happy to carry such trifles around in my head.
I am ok. I am doing great. I just have to hold things together and keep breathing in and out. This summer will be awesome. Many things are going to be different now. I am better and I am finally of an age that I can steer my own destiny through life. Despite the frequent and violent sadness that wracks me with sobs and doubt I do believe that I have grown. In many ways I have regressed, I probably need to slow down a bit in terms of how much drugs Im using, it isn’t the pot, that shit stays, but the other stuff could stand to have the heat turned down now. If I had anything to prove to myself then perhaps I could now consider it proved and move on. As far as alcohol goes I am not quite ready to let that one go yet but Im satisfied that it does not have to be the fucken end of life as we know it if I have a drink and when it stops hurting, I will take the bandages off but until then… fuck it man, let the dice fall. Whatever.
Anyway, today beckons. My body feels sore from my little car crash the other night but I promised Dayna that I would have a shave and dress up for her today so we are going to get our “Groom” on. I love you. You know that.
xm

Hare Krishna

I took a trip into town last night and went to see an event called “Pechacucha”. Its pretty much when people get up and talk about their passion for 20 minutes as images scroll behind them on a big screen, changing ever 20 seconds, or some shit like that. Some of it was dull, some of it was poignant and inspiring, some of it was really sad and, to be honest, some of it I am struggling to remember. Trapped inside a big space like Wintecs fabled “Atrium” with a couple of hundred straight folks is a scary enough concept as it is without a trip coming on… Never fear… I muddled through it ok. I only scared the people at my table 3 times, but to be fair to them, I stopped gauging their reactions after a while so it may have been more. On the way home I was sure this car was following me, eventually I walked over to the fucker to have a look at who was in it and they ran me over and sped off… a fucking paranoid nightmare!!!! Then they parked just up beyond the next corner and sat there for a while before speeding off. Like the distraught looks on the faces of my fellow revellers last night, after a while I found it prudent to stop looking around at what cars were or werent following me and the walk home was much less “Hurty” after that. Well, nobody else ran me over… It didnt hurt much at the time but this morning I am finding it hard to move. I feel exactly as if someone ran me over.

This is the second time this has happened. However the first time I was walking across great north road, texting, with headphones on, so it was totally my fault. I saw all the fucken “Luminaries” of Hamilton counter (sic) culture (sic) last night, none of them smile or hug or act like they have an ounce of passion among them, despite the two plus decades of friendship (sic) we have shared. I find them dull, bloated and resting on tattered laurels of mediocre exploits and I think I will stay in my little world of Dub, Trance, weed and radio stations no-one listens to. In fact I much prefer the company I keep at present so, fuck em. I dunno why I care so much about what they all think. It is a vice I need to let go of.

So today is starting very slowly. I was supposed to play at 9 but fuck man, sometimes 9am is a little fucken early for rock n roll, especially when… you know? Especially when some asshole ran you over! I’m listening to George Harrison. Days like this need a gentle touch. A day for peaceful things, a day for bed and books and soup! Dayna is coming after school, we are going to a show tomorrow and then tomorrow night we are going to see Seattle in “Beauty and The Beast”. Im looking forward to that, the little kids get a kick out of seeing him on stage and it tickles him as well… Fuck man, I just cant shake the memory of all those people in that room and how they respond to someone like me. No sense of humor at all, a mild disgust and a palpable revoltion. Ho well…. someones gotta be it. I have had my hand up for years. Fuck “Safe”, Fuck “Polite” and Fuck being straight… That world is a drag and those cunts are welcome to it. Excuse me, I get a bit… Hey man, sorry… just… you know? It hurts!

I shouldn’t really be out among them anyway, so I guess its my own fault. I got swept up into someone elses mission and I probably should have just stayed home. I’ll feel less bitter and more humorous about it in an hour or two and then I’ll be able to giggle. Too soon, too soon.

Fuck, Im so close now. Nights like the last one can easily end badly. I need to be more careful. Way way way out beyond the edge.

Mahalo. So Be It. Om. Etc.

krishna1.jpg

Babylon system, vampire, etc.

Whos fucken idea was it to have band practice at 9am? Im fucking drunk now, at 2:23pm. Cant drive anywhere or do any other shit I wasnt going to do anyway. I keep eyeing the mushrooms and the weed and wondering if I should get really messed up or just bubble along in a muddle, as opposed to a mission. Tomorrow morning we are gonna do a guerilla mission on the UNI, I found a great stage and it has working power so we are just gonna turn up tomorrow morning and plug all of our shit in and make a racket. Im gonna wander up there this arvo and check that the juice is on. Go down to the lake at 10 am tomorrow morning and you will get free weirdness. I have found the most amazing musicians to paly with. You know when you meet someone and it all just… ha ha ha you know what, I cant even be fucked today. Help me. Please?

As if. Selfish asshole. Wanker. Bitch. Cunt…. yep. All that.

I was thinking about doing a sort of chickpea damper. I love this album. He sounds happy, its pretty late in his career but he still remains the man he was in the beginning. You see pictures of his dreads when he starts growing them and then you can kind of map out the mans life as his hair grew. I know I cannot be him, but I can make music that has integrity and I can take the creation of it seriously… well, at least approach it with intent and purpose. I just want to make you move, I just want to make you smile. I do not want anything else. It hurts so bad. Fucking holding my fucken breath (Deep inhale).

is it feasible? for I to knock some more.
The one drop is an amazing piece of musical architecture, it is a hook on which I hang my coat, a blazing inferno on which I temper the steel of my love. I am fucking lost and I do not know what else to do but cling to this music like a bouy way way out at sea. I keep thinking that a carload of K.Cs or Mobsters is gonna pull up and kick the shit out of me. Teach me a little lesson. I feel hated. I feel like a waste of time. Yeah Im getting close to it now. Fuck you guys. What kind of cunts read something like this and dont come and say hello? You are a parasite. Stay away from me. ha ha ha ha. Yup. Ride Natty Rid

Buttercup

 

“Build Me Up Buttercup”

Why do you build me up (build me up) Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (let me down) and mess me around
And then worst of all (worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin’
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don’t break my heart

“I’ll be over at ten”, you told me time and again
But you’re late, I wait around and then (bah-dah-dah)
I went to the door, I can’t take any more
It’s not you, you let me down again

(Hey, hey, hey!) Baby, baby, try to find
(Hey, hey, hey!) A little time and I’ll make you mine
(Hey, hey, hey!) I’ll be home
I’ll be beside the phone waiting for you
Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo

Why do you build me up (build me up) Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (let me down) and mess me around
And then worst of all (worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin’
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don’t break my heart

To you I’m a toy, but I could be the boy you adore
If you’d just let me know (bah-dah-dah)
Although you’re untrue, I’m attracted to you all the more
Why do I need you so

(Hey, hey, hey!) Baby, baby, try to find
(Hey, hey, hey!) A little time and I’ll make you mine
(Hey, hey, hey!) I’ll be home
I’ll be beside the phone waiting for you
Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo

Why do you build me up (build me up) Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (let me down) and mess me around
And then worst of all (worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin’
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don’t break my heart

I-I-I need you-oo-oo more than anyone, baby
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don’t break my heart

Portugal

I took Awhi driving today, the sheer pleasure she felt was palpable. As I sat next to her I could feel it blistering off her in waves. Simple, pure joy… My life is so small, it is really the opposite of what anyone else seems to want. I am little and fearful and I dont leave my room much. I take pleasure in things like volume or the simple joy of making a child happy or bringing a smile to a pretty face. Truly I am not anyones’ idea of perfect. I want to be but I am trying so hard that the person that I need to be ends up drowning in alcohol because he feels worthless. I am an old, fat, mental health case. I think I forgot that for a while. I thought I was more.

I turned facebook off again tonight. There is nothing for me there. I’ll turn it back on now and then to get spotify to work or to post on the stations page but I’m going to see if I can disappear up my own arse again. It was all just a trick, an evil, nasty, selfish trick and I see that now, it was always going to go “BOOM” and I was nothing more than a distraction. I feel like I’m swimming against the tide or breathing water or wading through molasses. I just want to be enough. I hope I am. I’m so lost, you guys. I fucked up and I cant fix it. I let myself trust. Classic rookie move.

I’m going to sleep. Well, actually, Im going to lie here reading, jerking awake with a start every time I nod off . I need to find my happy place, real fast, its all sliding out of control now. Not a threat, I’m way too tired for that, just an observation.

Human

Do you believe in Love? Do you believe that sometimes you have to do the wrong thing for the right reasons? Do you think we can ever truly find harmony, self or stillness inside if we have to betray our truest, deepest feelings by hiding them away from everyone else? Perhaps that is simply how people live. Certainly, no-one ever really shares themselves with me, not the way I do here. So maybe I am a fool. Maybe the things I feel, the deepest, truest things, are better off left unspoken because the only place they were ever true is deep down inside of me. Ah, there are the tears that alcohol and mushrooms have been holding at bay… I was feeling pleased, an hour or so ago, that I’d managed a night sober but perhaps, if I’m going to do that, then I shouldn’t dwell too much on these things. The word “om”, for example, is the sound of the universe as it pushes and pulls at the bounds of eternity, it is my belief that it resonates at 432hz and at 138 beats per minute. I am ashamed that I have stopped moving forward spiritually, instead I have retreated inside myself and reverted to “survival” mode. After a brief expansion. Everything is dying, my plants, music, art and hope. I have retained the core of confusion, self doubt and a deep, abiding fear though… Isnt it funny how, when life strips us of the things we value, it never takes the shittiest… only the ones that bring us joy.

I simply desire peace, happiness and love. Real, electric, tangible Love. Not the disney kind that I share with my kids either. The aching, desperate, gushing, wonderful, undoubtable Love that spans the chasms inside me and washes away all the fear and doubt and feral needy bullshit that seems to attend everything I touch.

I see now, that if I want this I simply have to make the necessary changes inside myself. It is right here in front of me but it finds me wanting. I expect that I have much healing to do first. I’m broken, limping, damaged, ravaged and torn. A slinky. no more, no less a discarded husk of worthless pain and suffering.

On that cheerful note, I bid you goodnight. As always, perhaps tomorrow will be better.

https://www.cdbaby.com/cd/datemonthyear5

Fucken Hippy Pants

Bah, so many conflicting emotions. We had a really good session yesterday and I can actually feel the music coming back to a place of usability. I sort of wish there were people interested in making the kinds of music that I would like to make but I suppose I am but a humble servant of humanity and I must share my gifts and talents where I am able. I got to watch someone overcome self doubt and creative paralysis yesterday and then shine. I have this ritual lately, when people “Down Tools” during a session, then I down tools too. I do not put any of my own time into any of the stuff I do with other people, not if I don’t feel that they are. It is actually a good thing, because my sense of parity demands that I engage fully with the session if I know that it could be cut short at any time.

I am waiting for Awh to wake up so we might get a bit more time together this morning. I have been thinking about writing a letter, just a letter to catch you up with all the stuff I have been doing lately. A lot of my life doesnt read like a demented teenagers diary, you know? Much of it is actually pretty rad and when I have a break in the weather I get to experience the simple joy of being happy to be alive. Last night I walked over to Awhis friends house to collect her, I didnt want her walking home in the dark alone. I hid in the bushes near the shortcut at the back of the house, not far from where we’d agree’d to meet, and prepared to scare my darling child out of her mind. If it had gone perfectly, she would have walked right past me and I was going to lean in and whisper “Te Marangi” in her beautiful little ear! Oh man! I was pretty excited at the prospect but the longer I stood there, the more I realised that A) the neighborhood sort of knew I was there and were getting a bit concerned and B) Maria was fucking things up by not letting Awhi walk to the end of the alley alone. So I had to walk all the way home, call Awhi, Restate my assertion that it was perfectly fine for her to walk down to the corner and to say that it was too fucken cold for her friends Mum to micro manage a pretty simple operation like this. Anyway…. Maria wouldn’t budge and so they all had to fucken walk Awhi down to the corner and by the time I got back I had missed my window of opportunity to hide in the bushes… There ends the chronicle of last nights commando mission. I had been making her the most amazing Pumpkim soup and garlic bread and so when she got home we had a feast and we watched “Suicide Squad”. Thats’ what I really want to talk about today with you, while we have this time together. Well, that and the fact that one of the funniest things I ever heard was “Did you google how to do that”in response to a dish of rustic kind of “hash-browns” topped with sauteed mushrooms and garlic, garnished with coriander and avocado, even…

Bah I just typed and deleted a big rant about Will Smith and The Suicide Squad but we all know the problem is not Will Smith, the problem is the Motion Picture industry and the fucking filth, propaganda and misdirection it feeds my kids. There are some great motion pictures in the world. Some of the finest tales ever told have been translated to celluloid and can feed the mind, nurture the soul and inspire the imagination. Then there are others that corrupt, deceive and actively promote agenda that are contrary to the betterment of mankind. It can be hard to tell as well, when you put them side by side. Lets say you place the “Ice Age” franchise next to “A clockwork Orange”. At first glance… In time though, you will get it, I have faith in you. Your taste is impeccable and your finer judgement is a constant source of pleasure and mince.

Yesterday we were walking around the Uni, we played a game to see who could greet people by saying “Te Marangi Maori-Song” without cracking up laughing. At one point we were doing ok only to have our victory snatched out from beneath us by the most extraordinary sight. He was in a tank top, I dunno how to describe his pants… they are like track pants, I guess, a little billowy with a sort of 80s carpet pattern of hot pinks and purples. They were pulled up to his midriff and he had tube-socks with trainers on plus a kind of pissfringe crew cut. It wasn’t necessarily funny in itself but he had these bulging muscles and yet he was fucking miles away from a gym, on one of the coldest August days in recorded history. It was incongruous, certainly way more entertaining that what we were presently occupied with… I don’t make a habit of judging folks by how they dress… we all know where I stand on the old “wardrobe”front… my own fashion sense stalled in 1988 and didnt really progress very far at all. I like to wear thai fisherman pants and a T-Shirt in the summer, but other than that I am most comfy in some jeans, a hood and doc martens or chuck-blood-stained-child-labour-taylors, with a black t-shirt for good luck. SO… I have to be very very careful when I point out the flaws in anyone elses dress sense… but this guy… its almost worth going back up there today to have a look for him actually! We stopped in at the studio and young Wai was working, we had a chat and he played us some music. Pretty funny to watch Awhi twirling her hair in her fingers and blushing. He he he, yeah he is pretty cute I suppose.

Well, she has crawled out of bed and so we will go start our day. I’m doing ok. I am drinking too much but it is necessary. If I was worried about it I would get antabuse tablets but I am not. I am actually, for the first time in my life, grateful for alcohol. Funny.

Sleep and sausages

I don’t sl3ep much anymore. It’s my own fault, I have developed this thing where I give myself a fright and wake myself up and I’m afraid that it makes me not only unhappy but also not real nice to be around. I don’t know why, it just is. I suppose a shrink or a chemist could fix it but I’ve liked the idea that when I am in a place where I feel whole, happy and at peace, then what ever the fuck it is will finally cease to cause me such terror. I can hear awhi breathing up on the top bunk, she is a darling, transparent and honest and true. Wise and smart. I wish I was more like her.

Most Violent Olympics

I do not get to spend a lot of time alone with Awhimaaia. Usually Vader monopolises that time because he gets so little of it that I sort of tend to try and orchestrate things so that he gets as much time with his siblings as possible. I know that my family is unorthodox. Each and every one of those children has a different set of parents. Different Mums and even different Dads. All. But I do not believe it makes me a bad person. Check out Robert Nesta and his approach to the whole thing. I do not believe that we have to stick to the whole western model of birth, marriage, procreation, death, do us part. I am not even sure that anything ever lasts that long. I can applaud it, sure, but do I want it? Or, could I service it? I dunno. I have an awesome family though. It grows too, that’s the thing… right?

Fuck cats are funny fuckers… do you reckon a cat should ever have to go on a “Diet”? Isn’t that trying to impose a human idea onto a creature that is about as far removed from human as it is possible to get? I always though that the idea of owning pets was a lot like having kids… spoil, love , nuture and feed them, until they burst with love and confidence and swagger. Diets? Fuck no. As for destroying feral cats. Nup, not me. Id sooner eat them, and I wouldn’t eat a cat… well… ha ha ha, anyway. So… you know? I’m sure its very humanitarian and shit “Oh but they are better off”, but that’s what people have done to the street children in Rio for decades… maybe longer.

I am learning to function again, with a sense of humor. I find it funny that I worked so hard to quit drinking and now it is the one thing holding me together. I am trying to keep the associated behaviors (The problematic ones…) down to a minimum but I’m gonna stay mildly buzzed for as long as it takes. An Irony, certainly. I overheard the teenagers before… “So whats the story with your Dad? He always looks so sad when he thinks no-one is looking…” Astute, nosy but astute.

Im doing my best. I am moving forward again. I dunno about you but it finally feels like winter is letting go and I feel the rust releasing its grip on the mechanics of The Hum and the various exploits of its owner. I booked some pretty cool bands for our first birthday party. I dunno how else to proceed. Be here, make music, cook, love, smile or try to. I am a good man. I am loving and I am supportive and I am a good friend. I dunno what more I can be. Life is hard bucko. Life is full of bits like this, hard bits where you just trudge through fucking treacle for miles and miles of swamp… knowing that there’s a land of festivals and music and dancing and happy just up around the bend, if you can just keep it together long enough. I want to be part of the world again. I do not need my hand held for that to happen but I do need to be understood at least. I am not sure I am. As for this, here, I couldn’t really give a fuck what you think anymore. This is mine.

Be happy, whole and creatively fulfilled, or be nothing, a fucken sponge that sucks up all the good bits of other peoples hearts, on a loop, endlessly.

xxxM

Pentatonic

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I am a lucky man. I have all I need. I have known love and I am surrounded by those that love me. I love in turn and so I am about as fortunate as a man can be. I have had such amazing experiences. It is true that I spend a lot of my life hiding. Hiding from feelings, hiding from the other humans on the planet and hiding from the responsibility’s of taxes and jobs and all that other bullshit that you fuckers think is so very important. But, in between all of that seclusion and mind-mappery, I have had some amazing experiences, ones that most of you folks are never quite brave (Or stupid) enough to say “Yes” to. I am not done yet either. I have been going through this thing that I hear alot, that men dont really find their feet until their 40s. Its a shame that I went and fucked this all up with romantic tangles because I truly think that I have done so much growing in the past 12 months and I mightve been more present and involved in it if I hadnt been off picking daisys or drowning tears in alcohol and pills. Or what-the-fuck-ever.

Its ok. I am here now. I feel comfy in my skin and I feel confident. The dichotomy is that I do not really feel like doing anything with this new found sense of self. I drink myself to sleep when I am alone and I try to enjoy the company of the people I love when I am fortunate enough to have it. I have eaten a lot of meat this weekend, I feel ill. But I feel happy. I dont feel much like doing this today. So I wont.

Kandinsky

It can be quite bizarre living here. This is the suburb where I lived when I moved up here. There is a lady taking a toddler for a walk, teaching the baby how to take steps, its funny as fuck. The bubba gets all frustrated and shouty and the lady is smiling and joking with her and then she will manage a few shambolic steps and smile this huge grin, clap her hands and take off again. Its amazing. Last night I saw a dude pushing a pram. It was about 10 or 11pm and he looked fucked. I can remember those missions. I’d push Seattle around Hillcrest for hours to keep him happy while his Mama got a few hours sleep. Some of my happiest memories are of pacifying my mongrels when they were babies. Vader liked to be rocked for hours on this hanging swing-seat out the back of the house at The Mount, Seattle either liked the pram or the car, Te Aroha liked to have her little face or hands stroked, just lying there staring into each others eyes, Awhi liked cuddles but I wasn’t around too much when she was a bub. Well, I mean, I got to live with the other kids when they were little, me and Awh missed out on that. No big deal coz she still is the best cuddler of all of them so I guess… She was such an old fashioned looking baby, she looked like some kind of victorian era doll or some sepia photograph. She was beautiful. Seattle was adamant that her name should have been Elanor… I do not know why.
Seattle was conceived a block to the south, he was born when we lived in a little flat just on the other side of the Uni and now he and I live about 15 houses apart. yesterday I took him driving. I’d love to say I gave him a driving lesson but I don’t really operate like that, I just sat there and tried not to let my fear show. He has a pretty lax approach to “Stop Signs” and “Braking”. We went to the Warehouse, he needed some make up supplies for a show… He is one of the principal cast members and needed to buy his own stage makeup. I guess its part of being an actor. As a musician I have found that there are few times in my life when I do not own eyeliner and nail polish so it aint no big deal. Anyway, So we are standing in the fucken “Makeup” aisle and I go “Hey son, I’m just gonna be down in the Toy section…” and we both sort of looked at each other, shook our heads and smirked. We are an unusual family. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Vader has gone to soccer with his Mama. I am left here to do the dishes, pack the bed away, tidy up and get lunch ready for when he comes back. I love these children. When they are with me I am all I can be. I have faced such terrible rejection this past 5 years or so. I lost everything, even though I didn’t really have much to lose in the first place… Time after time I have put my heart, friendship or abilities on the line and had them handed back like a fucking failed test or a shoddy tax return. I lost hope, I walked out one day and I didn’t really go home. When I got to Auckland I had a single backpack and two guitars and it truly felt like I was completely alone in this world. However, one thing that I never lost was the love of these kids. One of them is pretty angry with me but I am working on that, otherwise they are happy and quirky, funny and loving. They are perfect little people and there is no harm in any of them. I am proud to be their friend and co-conspirator.
Today feels a bit grey. Ive been shrooming pretty hard this past month or so. Hey man, there are currently free drugs growing all over the place, I’d be a fool not to… Anyway, my mind and my heart are right in that soft spot, where they need to be and I am grateful that the universe knows what I need, even when the medical profession doesn’t. The hard part is finding the wisdom to know where the boundaries are, but I think I’m on top of that. I don’t really take the deep, mind bending, “Special Effects” kinds of L.S.D dose trips that I used to, I guess what I do is a rock n roll version of “micro dosing”… Google it… Drop a couple of shrooms into your saturday night and tell me you don’t feel better on monday morning… Just a couple, mind you… just a couple.
I have been thinking, pretty much non stop. I am inside my head from the moment I open my eyes until I drift off, for a few fitful hours and in between. I have learned, this year, how to turn certain thoughts off but it is still a hard thing to practice and I am not always good at it. I have been trying to do yoga and meditate but sometimes I just cannot get my mind and body to be still. There are things inside me that remain wound up and will just not let go yet. It is impossible to do yoga if you can’t relax, same goes for T.M and so I settle for a joint and an hour of Bob. Same diff, I suppose. Hey I can’t wait to get stoned with Seattle! I have been looking forward to this for so long! I am not gonna instigate it, I will wait. He keeps dropping little hints and I’m sure it won’t be long before he turns up here with some sticky buds and a goofy smile. I was telling him how I have been getting I.D’d a lot lately and he was like “Yeah, I never get I.D’d when I buy my rolling papers…”, its pretty special. I would so rather they have a healthy relationship to pot than be part of this countries binge drinking culture. We need weed more than ever, I think. When you think of all the things people, good people, are capable of when they are drunk out of their skulls, and compare it to what they do when they are stoned on weed… you do the math. “Drug Culture”… fuck man… This world is fucked.
M