relative security of sober

I’ll have a crack at writing my little mental love letter before I take any drugs today, see how that goes…

Well, fuck… drawing a blank.

Ok so heres an idea… I am coming to grips with my life again. I think that the thing that made life so shiny, briefly, wasnt so much that I had some of the things I always dreamed of but that I actually liked who I was being and how I saw that reflected in the eyes of the people around me. The trick is to find that place and be mindful of the fucker as often as I can. Then I can be happy more. I reckon. I sank all my resources and hope into the idea that I could create a life I could love and that I could share with someone else. So whats my fucking problem? I have that. I have always had that!

I wake up when I want. I get to make music all day, sometimes with other people like myself. I have a kick ass radio station, broadcasting my mental little tunes to the world 24/7, I dress exactly the way I wanted to when I was 15 and I have a full head of lustrous, well groomed locks without any sign of balding or even any serious state of wrinklage. I am the model of what Kurt Cobain might have grown into had he given himself the chance to. PLUS, I am the worlds greatest lover. Thats gotta count for something! Surely! Fuckers!

So maybe this whole “Typing while straight” isnt such a great idea… perhaps the drugs keep the old EGO in check, heh. Anyway, I have been doing a bit of soul searching. I am learning that other peoples mental states have come to rely on me. Which is just about the stupidest thing I can imagine. “Oh yeah, lets balance our precarious emotional and mental state here, atop this crumbling tower of drugs, low self esteem and dysfunction”… A fucking ridiculous notion! Stop it! One thing I have learned (thank you very much) is that we do not need anyone else to be happy. If we cannot be whole and complete as individuals then we are of fuck all use to anyone else. Love becomes dependence, Partnership becomes reliance and suddenly the beautiful creature that we adore so much has become us and we end up fucked because it was exactly that person that we were trying to get away from in the first place! No, no no. We must approach life alone, I am afraid, we come in that way and thats how we leave it. If there is love to be had then it must come from a place of mutual strengths and not simply from need. I get that now. Took me long enough.

I am writing songs. Actual songs, with words. Heres the music….

Im not brave enough to share the vocals yet, Im afraid, but here they are, in all their glory…

She’s stretched out fine in the morning sun, in my minds eye, why would I ever run? wearing nothing but a smile that says, she thinks that Im an animal for looking at her that way, do do do do dooo, barefoot naked, loves what you make it, I dont care about destination, drowning in a river that we wade together, no one ever said that it’ll last forever, do do do do dooo, whats stopping us getting away from here? We could disappear, into the wild blue yonder, it’s not unheard of my love… do do do do dooo

Hmmm, even typing them out is a bit more revealing than Im comfy with. Anyway, starting to jones now, gonna go soothe my jangled nerves and start making a racket. Im going to see a presentation about Rahui today. Feed my mind… but first I need to feed my head. Peace.