Procrastination

I can procrastinate like it’s an art form. I usually kept decent grades at school but  the times I actually prepared in advance of more than one day are very few and therefore stand out in my memory as aberrations.  Part of my procrastination stems from anxiety. The fear of other people or of being caught out or embarrassed seem to be the main motivators. I am sitting my drivers licence this week for the first time in almost 10 years, maybe more.  I have the booklet and all the test questions and I am brushing up in advance. I was studying towards this goal before I came home and so I feel like I have a good chance but everything seems really hard and overwhelming at the moment and I worry that I will just let the opportunity slide. I dunno why I am like this, I just am.

I was invited to go for a jam with other musicians last night but I procrastinated about it until it was too late and then called in my apologies. Why would I avoid that? Its one of my favourite things to do but, for some reason, I panicked and missed out. I have probably missed out on about 5 million really great opportunities through this behaviour. At least at the moment I have good reason to be fearful, anxious and hyper vigilant. I do push myself sometimes and so I can maybe switch it around and say that I grab hold of more opportunities than I miss.

My dreams are weird and scary lately.  I remember them in the moments after they wake me but they fly away in a few moments and, like a handful of ashes, or feathers, or polystyrene, they fly away from me in the breeze. I’m aware of it being like this so I try to hold on to that moment for as long as possible. I remember the parts of the dream out of sequence as I scramble to take note of everything I can but, before I know it, it has evaporated. People keep dream diaries. I have tried to a few times but it’s hard work. Lately I sleep with a little help from a tablet or two as well so there’s an extra layer of resistance against remembering or articulating my minds night time visions.

Do you dream? Do you ever remember them? I find them fascinating but I loathe hearing about someone else’s dreams. I had a few “Flat Mates” (sic.) this past year who sometimes felt it necessary to bombard me with their long, drawn out dream narratives. Don’t do that people, unless you have a really good handle on story telling, don’t do that to others…

I was locked up with a guy whose idea of a conversation is as follows… Take whatever comment, life experience, belief or narrative that the other person has said and then concoct a great big lie that makes your experience bigger, better and more. It gets tiring living with that day in day out. I learned not to tell them anything after a while. Even my failings or bad memories came in as fodder for this guy. If I’ve broken my ankle once in a car crash then he shattered his skull and broke his back and the car was a Lamborghini and he hit a family of 4 but he dragged all the people out of the burning wreck and then the mayor gave him a medal… or if I once won a jackpot playing the pokies, he won lotto, twice and bought a house in New Plymouth and his mum and dad live there and he has the rest of the money buried in the back yard. Dude… I got to the point where I was just saying the most mundane and ordinary things, just to see what would happen, and sure enough he followed me right down to the wire. “I like Brushing my teeth” to which he would claim to have never brushed his teeth ever and he has the best teeth in the world, a dentist had told him that he has the best teeth in New Zealand and Australia, he won an award for it. Shit like that.

Ok, back to the road code.

xm