Bargain Buildings, Weights and Pulleys

A busy morning for me. I have taken my car for its warrant and paid for the next 6 months registration. These are things I didn’t used to really bother with. Hell, I didn’t have a licence for 10 years, I owned a car for many of those and never once got nabbed by the coppers. I was stopped a few times too. I cant tell you how shaky a man gets after a close call like that. Nothing gets the blood pumping and the adrenaline choking all the oxygen from your fevered brain like that. Even when I have done nothing wrong those guys give me the willies. Modern Policing stems from the slave patrols, our own New Zealand ones have a nasty militia type heritage as well, adding another layer of evil to an institution that I think we could live without. Did the presence of Pigs ever stop one single crime? No. The answer is No. Speaking of which, I went to see my Probation officer. I have seen a different one every time for the last month or two. It’s demoralising having to go through it all over again, each time feeling the eyes of judgement and a curious sort of private side show freak viewing. Each of them jump to the same incorrect conclusions and I end up having to challenge them. It sucks because they have all my information in front of them and yet they always fuck it up. Today the lady was reading from a 2009 rap sheet, asking me why I am not living in River Road and stuff like that. They are not bad people but I often seem to get South African people. I was raised by members of H.A.R.T, advocates of John Minto, we sang “Biko, Bikoooo, Bikoo” around the dinner table and we studied Nelson Mandela and marched against apartheid. We were militants because under Apartheid our little family would have suffered, if we’d been allowed to live. I can’t help feeling some kind of way because I have met South Afrikaans who fled South Africa after the fall of that disgusting regime and I know the contents of their hearts. So when those eyes cast judgement on me, mine are shining right back. But I didn’t come here to rant about things I brought upon myself. I wanted to share this with you, friend and once lover.

Before the internet there was a thing called “Television”. They were big, clunky devices. The kinds of machines you bang hard with a fist on the top and sometimes it fixes them. Everyone had one or two and you had to pay a TV licence. Not that anyone ever did…. In 1991 R.E.M were on top of the world. If you do a little research you will find that they were a truly revolutionary little band, whole hearted freaks set to change the world for the better and advocates and champions for other fledgling artists. Michael Stipe did come across as a bit of a “Bono” sometimes but at least he was cohesive. This concert was on tele. There was MTV in New Zealand for a while and then, after that, there were a succession of “Youth Market” channels and I think it was on one of these that I saw R.E.M MTV unplugged. I jimmied up a cable from the headphone jack on the TV and managed to get a pretty good recording of it on tape. Tape is sort of like if you could take an mp3 and carry it around in your pocket. hehehe. sort of. I always looked for a CD copy of this concert but I never found it and that tape stayed in my vehicles until it finally fell apart. I did used to get a tiny screw-driver and open up cassette tapes to splice them back together after a break or a fatal twist when I was a teen but after CDs and then Napster, well the urgency was gone, wasn’t it kind reader? For a long time cars were the only place you saw tape decks anymore, and then they were gone, rendered obsolete. There is a movement back towards analog tape though and I feel far more drawn to tape than any digital medium. I never made the hipster switch to Vinyl. I figure Vinyl is for DJs and hip hop producers, the rest of us should leave it alone. God it sounds so great to drop a needle down on your favourite jam though. Scritch Scratch Scritch.

The point is that I loved this tape. That I’d gone out of my way to obtain the precious music on it made it special. The MTV unplugged format fagged out after a while but there are some classic moments, like this one, Eric Clapton and Nirvana. Pearl Jams Eddie Vedder does some pretty spectacular protesting and acrobatics in the first Pearl Jam Unplugged and Stone Temple Pilots absolutely crush it. My generations version of the NPR Tiny Desk series I guess. I hope you enjoy it, a trip down memory lane. I’ve just decided to act as if you aren’t a snitch, that you really are interested in the same stuff as I am, that you do give a shit and that you aren’t that fat disgusting pig. My all time favourite R.E.M song is Fall On Me and my favourite version of Fall On Me is from this recording. Please do give it a spin, you’ll like it.

I have had a rough week. I very nearly lost the plot. A few times a big bottle of Tequila seemed like a good idea. Maybe a little drunk driving and some unsafe drug procurement practices followed by some unsafe NZ Dating.com anonymous sex? Hmmmm? I didn’t, despite the Universes encouragement. I found a hundred bucks at the absolute worst possible moment for me to have a spare hundred bucks. The Universe is always doing shit like this to me. I ended up spending it on Warrant and Registration. I guess I really have made some changes. Too little too late but still. I feel ok today, well, I feel safe and thats enough for now. I have encountered some really huge feelings this week and I just needed to cry for a few days. I stayed in bed and ordered junk food. Not very helpful but nowhere near as unhelpful as Tequila.

I was describing for the Probation Officer some of the bizarre as fuck things I have done on benders and it dragged up quite a lot of old hurts. I return to those memories and it feels like I am right there again. It feels like being stuck in the moment before a car accident, a freeze frame that holds focus for minutes, hours, days, years…. I wince but it doesn’t change anything and the feelings I most feel are regret, shame and sadness at all I have lost.

I met a man living in his Van today by the gardens, his sleeping gear in the back and his feet up on the dashboard with a book. It reminded me of the times I have been homeless in the last few years. That was how I spent my days. I couldn’t drink because my house was my car and I was at least smart enough not to jeopardise that. Although, in hindsight, having no licence meant I was going to probably lose my car if I got stopped anyway so maybe I should’ve just gone for it huh? I used to string a big duvet up between the hand-holds in the back seat of the car, blocking up the back window. I’d hang another blanket (Or a towel or a hoody) up over the drivers side widow and then I’d curl up into a ball on the reclined passengers seat with at least some illusion of privacy. I broke the seatbelt thingy and it sometimes stabbed me in the night. I used the little light to read myself to sleep. I lived on smallgoods, cheese and crackers. When I had no income my friend gave me a fistful of “Free Big Mac” vouchers that I would ration out, one a day. There were always a dozen or so others sleeping in their cars so there was some safety in numbers and there was a toilet around at the stadium. Nothing will demoralise you like seeing a whole family bed down in the back of a station wagon and then get up and go to school from there. Did you know that the welfare system views a vehicle as a “Home” and so if you have a car then they do not consider you homeless and will not help you? It’s FUCKED. In the morning I’d drive around to the shopping Mall and have a wash, drink coffee and check email and repeat the day just trying not to hurt too much. It was a very lonely time. I’d go to band practice or wretch call and try to act like everything was ok but actually it was horrid. If I got stranded somewhere in the suburbs and had to sleep a drunk off then the neighbours or people in the street would always come right up and peer into the car and talk in a loud voice about how someone was sleeping in there. There was a big park in Claudelands where people walk dogs and I would park there a lot, just reading a book. I read some good books in that period. I always wondered what the caretaker thought. I’d be there when he started work and I’d be there at the end of the day when he locked up. I am sure they have seen it all. There is not much dignity in Homelessness and, especially from Pakeha people, theres a bad stigma. A hushed sort of look that says “Ewwww” about as loud as politeness allows. I accidentally gave 20 bucks to the homeless guy this morning. I had a twenty and a five in my pocket and I’d meant to give him the five but I’d already got it out and handed to him before I realised. So the Universe kind of helped him out too. After I found that Hundy I bought a Lotto ticket too coz I felt lucky. I haven’t checked it, I like the feeling that I might be a millionaire….

I just have to try and carry on and hope things get better. I haven’t been thinking about how sore my kidney is so I guess thats one thing to be grateful for… that my existential pain is worse than my physical pain. Ha ha ha, Nietzsche would be proud. I’ll leave you there today friend. I have just downloaded the new Lovecraft Country episode and maybe I’ll go grocery shopping later and get something fancy for my fancy Ladies. I’ll catch you on the flip flop. Please ignore any emails about Lil Wayne, he’s a bumout.

xm